


It's Like You're Pouring Salt In My Cuts

by Badusername



Category: One Direction
Genre: Harry was raped, It has a happy ending I swear, M/M, Suicide Attempt, he cuts himself, im sorry, louis just wants to know what's wrong so he can help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 02:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Badusername/pseuds/Badusername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was so good. Until it wasn't anymore. This wasn't his Harry. <em>His</em> Harry was kind and outgoing, someone who wore their heart on their sleeve. This Harry was distant and different and shut out <em>everyone</em>. <em>That</em> was the part that worried Louis the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Harry cuts and was raped so please, please don't read if that will trigger you in anyway.  
> Oh and I don't own One Direction quite obviously.  
> Alsooo I made a [tumblr](http://badusername-asks.tumblr.com/Ask/) for you guys to ask questions on and stuff

It was when Harry stopped talking to his own mother that Louis truly got worried.

Harry had been distant for weeks. Not even just from the other boys, but Louis. Louis, the same person who he could come to anything with. _Louis,_  the same person who held him while he cried or when he was happy or when he just wanted to be held. _Louis,_  the same person that up until this point, made Harry the happiest person in the world. The boys liked to say he was just being quiet, because Harry was _Harry_ and no one liked to admit to themselves that something could actually be wrong with Harry. Maybe the boys weren't even making up an excuse. Maybe they actually believe Harry when he'd responded, "I'm just tired, s'all." when they asked him what was wrong. But Louis could no longer tell himself that. Not after almost a month of barely even getting a full sentence out of Harry. Not after almost a month of seeing Harry shy away from his touch; the same touch he used to lean into during every chance he got. Not after a month of waking up to Harry sleeping on the opposite side of the bed instead of curled up beside him with his breath softly hitting Louis' neck. Definitely not after waking up multiple times to Harry passed out on the couch with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Something was wrong with Harry, something _seriously_ wrong.

Before this, Harry had come to Louis with everything, knowing that Louis would never judge him for anything. Now, Louis was lucky if he got Harry to actually carry on a conversation with him once a day. During interviews, Harry tried to put on a front, but everyone could see through it and the fans were getting worried too. In the beginning, Harry had done a good job at hiding how he was feeling during interviews, and it was really nice to see the Harry that he had fallen in love with making a reappearance. But as soon as they left the interview, Harry was back to what they could now call 'normal'. Scooting over to the far end of the seat and closing in on himself. The longer it went on, the less he tried to put up the front up during interviews. It seemed almost like it was exhausting for Harry just to smile and laugh just for a few minutes, so he just stopped, barely even saying anything during these interviews anymore besides the occasional one word answer mumbled into the microphone. It was killing Louis to see him like this, but he just didn't know what to do to get Harry back. He knew Harry. He knew that he didn't like to be pushed to admit something that he didn't want to, and it was quite hard to get him to open up to your after that happened. Louis couldn't just let this go on though. The only way he knew how to console Harry was by touching him and holding him and kissing him but it had been weeks since he'd last gotten a kiss on the _cheek_ from Harry.

In the beginning, Louis started to question if it had been something he had done that upset Harry. Surely it had been and it was something petty that a little talk could fix. But the longer it went on, that theory fell through. Harry wasn't the type of person that would let something linger longer than it needed to without sitting Louis down and talking to him about it. Louis was worried if he didn't talk to Harry soon, Harry would just get worse, and he didn't want to think about what that meant.

So that night, while Harry sat on the far end of the couch not even paying attention to the TV, opting rather to pick at some loose threads on the hole in his jeans, Louis took a deep breath and turned to Harry. "Harry?" He asked cautiously, trying not to startle Harry too much. 

Harry's head popped up and he avoided eye contact with Louis when he answered with a quiet, "Hmm?"

"I-" Louis stopped to clear his throat. "Can we talk?" The old Harry, _his_ Harry would have joked that they already were talking. But all Harry did was give him a slight nod. Louis muted the TV before he quietly asked, "Are you okay?" He didn't know the answer he expected, knowing he should have known Harry would have used his same, worn out excuse, but he had hope that maybe, just maybe, Harry would be honest with him.

"I'm just exhausted lately, really." Harry answered and oh, there it was again.

Louis moved a little closer to Harry, still no where near close to him, and locked eyes with him before saying, more like begging, "Please be honest with me."

Harry looked away from Louis and back down at the couch for a few seconds. Louis really was beginning to think Harry would tell him the truth when he finally answered, "I am, Lou." Before standing and beginning to walk away, "I really am tired. I'll be in bed."

It hurt, Louis wasn't going to lie. It hurt really bad. Harry had just lied straight to his face and bad no remorse about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I was super scared to post the first chapter in the first place and then I did and with in like 3 hours it has 67 hits and 7 kudos and I just want to cry because that means a lot. So thank you so very very much.

 

 

 

  
_Harry's P.O.V_

* * *

 

Harry was scared. Simple as that. He had been since that night, he just wasn't hiding it as well these days. It was ridiculous really, and he knew that. He knew that it would make him feel better to just tell someone, someone being Louis. Okay, well not  _better_ , but less alone through all of this. Every time he came close to telling Louis, or one of the other boys even, he chickened out. What if they didn't believe him? Worse, what if they too thought he deserved it like he was beginning to think? He wasn't necessarily lying to everyone when he said it was just because he was tired, because honestly, he was exhausted. Trying to sleep at night was hell, and most nights he just gave up when it all became too much. On the nights that he actually did fall asleep for more than a few minutes, all of his dreams were of was that night; horrible, _horrible_ nightmares of that night that would leave him shaking like a leaf and sobbing by the time he pulled himself up off the bed and onto the lumpy couch in their living room that always left him with a crick in his neck. He did it so he didn't wake Louis with his sobs, because once he had one of those ~~flashbacks~~ nightmares, there was no stopping him. He  _couldn't_ wake Louis. Louis  _couldn't_ know what happened, he just couldn't, Harry wouldn't allow it. So Harry continued on coping in the only way he knew; bottling up his emotions until he exploded. Harry had never "exploded" before, someone or something had always helped in out of it, but then again, nothing like  _this_ had ever happened to him before. 29 days since it happened. 25 days since Harry exploded. Harry hadn't meant for it to happen. He really didn't, honestly. But when he grabbed for his razor in the shower, the shower that had turned cold _ages_ ago due to Harry's need to 'scrub' the dirt that the man had left him with off ever since that night, his hand slipped due to his shaking. Oh yeah, he'd been shaking horribly since that night. He slipped and it scraped across his forearm, leaving a tiny scrape in it's path. It wasn't major really, nothing even worth mentioning, but the thing was that Harry was left standing there wishing it had gone deeper. Wishing it had drawn more than just a few droplets of blood. Wishing it had hurt more. That's how Harry found himself rooting through the bathroom cabinets searching for something that could get the tiny screws out of the razor, something that could give him what he wanted. He ended up finding an old repair kit for Louis' glasses, with a little screw driver in it, and quickly took the screws out of the razor. He held the blade up to his skin, close enough to touch, to feel the cold metal, but not enough to do any damage to his _pretty porcelain skin_. As he thought that, he pressed the razor down and pulled, thinking of those goddamn words, 'Pretty Porcelain Skin'. The same words the man had said while tearing Harry apart from the inside out. He watched as blood started to bubble up, in time with the tears that were starting to spring up in his eyes. It hurt, but in a  _good_ way. Like the pain he was feeling on the inside was now on the outside too. He did it multiple times, sticking to just the left arm, the same arm that still had small bruises on it.

Harry wasn't stupid. He knew that the boys and Louis knew that something was wrong with him. It killed him to close himself off to everyone he loved the most, but at the same time, it killed him to let them get too close to him. He hadn't even hugged Louis since the night it happened. It wasn't like he thought that Louis would turn around and do the same, it was more so that Harry felt dirty, wrong, like he didn't deserve Louis. If he let himself get to close and relaxed it could slip out, and no, he wasn't about to let that happen. It was on his own that he got into this mess, therefore he will get himself out. Unlike the boys, Louis had a very hard time believing his lie, because Louis saw more of Harry. He saw how puffy and red his eyes stayed almost constantly. He saw how he wore long sleeves and pants constantly, despite knowing that he hates to be overly warm. Louis saw how long Harry spent in the shower, could hear the occasional whimper while he was in there, the intake of breath after holding back a sob. So it came as no surprise to him when Louis pulled him out of his thoughts by saying a gentle, "Harry?"

No, no, this could absolutely not happen. Harry had to calm himself down a bit before answering with a quiet, "Hmm?" Harry knew this was it, Louis wasn't going to accept his excuses anymore, he wanted the truth. He just had to think quick and act calm and it would all be fine. 

"I-" He heard Louis stop and clear his throat before saying, "Can we talk?" And really, what was Harry supposed to say, no? So he did all he could do, a slight nod and looked away as Louis muted the TV and asked, "Are you okay?"   
  
Harry's heart was screaming at him to tell Louis that no, he wasn't okay. He was actually feeling like shit. That lying to your friends and relying on yourself to feel better, just waiting for the man that had done this to him, _Jake_ , to come back, and cutting into your own skin everyday really put a damper on your life but he couldn't. Not yet, probably never. "I'm just exhausted lately, really." was what he ultimately decided on saying to Louis. 

He saw the disappointment in Louis' eyes as he moved just the tiniest bit closer, and pleaded with his eyes as he begged, "Please be honest with me." That right there was something that Harry absolutely under no circumstance was ready to do. 

He looked away from Louis when he said, "I am, Lou." Because he couldn't lie straight to his face, he didn't have the energy to anymore. "I really am tired, I'll be in bed." Was all he said before he walked away and into their bedroom. It's around this time every night that he wishes that they didn't make his old bedroom into a storage place for everything they couldn't fit in Louis'. If only that was still a bedroom, he could sleep with the light on, showing that Jack wasn't there hiding in the shadows and he wasn't going to hurt him, and he wouldn't have to worry about waking Louis up with his nightmares. But there was nothing he could do about it, so he moved back the covers and laid on the far left of the bed, hearing Louis' footsteps coming down the hallway. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he heard Louis open the door and shut it softly as not to wake Harry and get changed before getting into bed, no longer trying to cuddle up close to Harry like he had just a few weeks ago. Eventually Harry did fall asleep, and his sleep that night was one of the worst he'd had yet. It was the most realistic nightmare he had yet, an exact recollection of that night. He knew he was sobbing, he knew he was shaking but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, and the next thing he knew, he was being woken up by an extremely worried Louis. He didn't even think about it before jumping up to hug Louis. It didn't matter that he had just seen him having a nightmare. It didn't matter that his secret might be out now. He needed someone to hold and that someone needed to be Louis. It felt so nice to be close to him again, even if it was just a hug, and neither him nor Louis seemed to want to let go anytime soon. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank you guys so much oh my god like the numbers just keep getting higher and it's such a compliment so thank you so very much.  
> Anything that is italicized is a flashback, so don't get confused.

Louis was first startled out of his sleep by quiet whimpers beside him that he didn't think much of. It wasn't until he heard mumbles of "Please no." and "Stop it hurts." That he turned over to Harry and saw the tears rushing down his face.

"Harry," he said, shaking him gently, "Harry, babe wake up. It's just a dream." Harry just kept sobbing and shaking and it was really worrying Louis. Finally, he saw Harry open his eyes and for the first time in nearly a month, he hugged Louis. Louis wanted to cry, it felt so nice just to _hug_ Harry again. He had to snap himself out of his thoughts because there were more important things going on right now than the fact that Harry was hugging him; Harry was hugging him because he was sobbing and shaking and had just woken up from what seemed to be a horrible dream. For a while, they sat there quiet aside from Harry's sniffles and sobs, Louis rubbing his back softly and kissing the hair right above his temple. Louis tried to pull away just far enough to look Harry in the eyes, but as soon as he went to move, Harry grabbed on tighter and shook his head.

"How about we go onto the couch and I'll get you some tea?" Louis offered and was glad when he felt, more than saw, Harry nod his head next to him as he started to pull away. Louis stood up and pulled their comforter with him, grabbing Harry's hand with his free hand and pulling him down the stairs and over to the couch. "I'll be right back, get yourself comfortable and we'll talk, okay?" Harry's lip was still wobbling when he nodded but that was a good enough answer for Louis to go into the kitchen and make Harry's tea just the way he likes it. When Louis came back from the kitchen, Harry had started to cry silently, holding the blanket up to his mouth. "Harry please tell me what's really wrong. You know I'm not going to think differently of you or tell the boys. It's just between us. Please?" Louis begged while he sat down, putting the tea on the table and pulling Harry close to him, adding, "I can't stand seeing you like this." As a quiet afterthought.

Harry took a few minutes to calm down, leaning on louis all the while. He finally leaned back and nodded, "Oka-" Clearing his throat and taking a deep breath, he said, "Okay, I'll tell you."

Louis let out a sigh of relief. Harry was going to tell him what was wrong. He wasn't going to get the usual excuse that he had grown tired of the minute Harry first said it. Now that Harry was actually going to tell him though, Louis wasn't sure that he wanted to hear. Whatever it was had been eating Harry up inside for a month, it had bothered him so much that he began to shut out everyone. It had _changed_ Harry and that was pretty hard to do. Louis did all that he could do to help make this as easy as it could be for Harry, meaning he pulled Harry so his head was in his lap, hands carding through his hair softly. "When you're ready babe, we have all the time in the world." Harry knew that if he didn't spit it out now, he'd lose the braveness he had just gotten, and who knows when he'd feel alright to tell Louis again. So he took a deep breath and began to recall the story.

_Everything seemed a bit foggy to Harry, which came as no surprise to him considering the drinks he'd had. It had been a long day in the studio and he had wanted nothing more than to have a few drinks, so he did just that at a bar near his and Louis' home. He really didn't mean to drink enough to make much of a difference, just enough that once he got home, he'd be able to fall asleep as soon as he got in bed, but sometimes things don't always go the way you plan for them to. Sitting next to some man easily twice his size and age was something Harry wouldn't do if he were thinking soberly, but he wasn't and his drunken state persuaded him to hobble over to him and sit down with a, "Hi, I'm Harry."_

_The man chuckled and looked at Harry, "Jack. You look familiar?"_

_"I'm in a band!" Harry responded happily, giggling a bit as he sipped at his drink._

_"That must be it," Jack nodded and took a sip from his own drink, "Now what's a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?"_

_Harry shrugged. He didn't quite know why he was here. In all honesty, he'd much rather be at home with Louis, watching a movie or something. "I needed a drink." He said, still giggling, "It's so stuffy in here, don't ya'think?"_

_"How about we go outside then?" Jack offered, standing and turning to grab what looked like the jacket to a suit before leaving money on the table for his drinks. "Come on then, love." He said, motioning for Harry to stand up. Harry did just that, and followed him out of the bar. He stumbled a bit on his way out the door and Jack caught him, insisting on wrapping his arm around his waist for 'safe keeping' which Harry, or the drinks inside of him, completely believed. He didn't even get the least bit suspicious after Jack lead him away from the bar and into a darker part of the street. "You have such pretty hair. So bouncy and curly. Must be really nice to pull on."_

_Harry giggled and smiled at him, "Yeah, I guess." Harry didn't even know what he was saying at this point, not really making sense of the fact that this man was obviously coming on to him. An alarm was finally set off in his brain when he distantly heard Jack say something about trying it for himself and then his lips were on Harry's, his hands in his hair. It didn't feel right; too rough and to fast and just not Louis. "No, stop." He said, trying to push Jack away, to no avail. Even if he was sober he wouldn't be able too. Jack was no small man._

_Jack laughed and for the first time that night, Harry was scared. He pushed harder at Jack and Jack just shook his head, "It's going to be harder to get away from me than that pretty boy." He was kissing Harry again and pushing him up against the brick wall behind him, all the while Harry tried to get him to let him go, to just stop and let Harry go home to Louis where he belongs. Not on some dodgy dark street behind a bar about to get r- and that's when it hit him. This man was going to rape him. There was nothing Harry could do about it. So he gave in. He gave in while Jack kissed him. He gave in while Jack pulled off his shirt. He gave in while Jack pulled Harry's pants and underwear down to his ankles and pushed him to the grown. He gave in while he saw Jack take off his own clothes. He gave in while he felt Jack begin to push into him, completely dry. He gave in through all the pain until he blacked out from all the pain because fighting with Jack would only make it worse._

_When Harry woke back up a few hours later, he was in the worst pain he'd ever felt. Everything hurt and he didn't know what to do. He checked his phone. 4:00 in the morning. Who could help him at 4:00 in the morning. He couldn't call Louis. Louis couldn't know about this. So he did the only thing he could do; he went to the emergency room. Thankfully there weren't any other people in there, no one that would recognize him, and when the lady at the desk heard what happened to him, she sent him straight in to see the doctor. He chose not to press charges because he couldn't remember anything about Jack's appearance, so all he had to go off of was the man's name, and how many Jacks could be in the city? So they sent him on his way with some painkillers and the number to call if he did choose to press charges. He slipped back in their door quietly after getting a taxi back. Luckily, Louis had known he'd be out so he didn't wait up for him, still sound asleep, probably thinking Harry had come home hours ago. All Harry wanted to do was sleep, so he did just that, curling up on the couch after taking some painkillers._

By the time Harry was done telling Louis the whole story, Harry wasn't the only one openly sobbing. Louis pulled Harry off of his lap and into a position where he could hold him. All he wanted to do was hold him and never let go, afraid that if he did, someone might hurt his Harry again, and he couldn't live with himself if something ever happened to Harry again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short and it's a filler chapter and I hate those but I really wanted to make a calmer chapter where nothing really happened and it just kind of caught you up and I'm really tired and I just got back from dinner with my family so I'm very sorry because this chapter is so short and it's awful. Forgive me

The next day was better for everyone. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of all of them, like they had just stepped outside and were getting fresh air. Harry was no longer closed off to everyone, especially not Louis. He was still different; too quiet, too shaky, too  _scared,_ he still had a sad, clouded over look to his eyes, but everyone could tell that he was better, even if just a little bit. Louis clung to his side as often as he could and Harry let him do it gladly, which came as a shock to the others, considering the month long time period where he had barely stood a few feet away from Louis if it wasn't necessary. Harry's smile didn't reach his eyes yet, truth be told, he still wasn't really smiling. He was talking a bit more which was really good, and Louis could tell that Harry felt better because he had gotten it off his chest. It was really good to see Harry like this again, acting a bit more like _Harry_ again.

Louis knew that Harry wouldn't be better in a blink of an eye. And he wasn't. He was far from better, and Louis didn't blame him. He still had nightmares that night, he still broke down a few times that day, but the difference was that he was letting Louis help him now. Now that wasn't to say that Harry told everything now that Louis knew the biggest part. Louis was still in the dark about the fact that Harry was hiding and arm riddled in cuts, many older ones reopened. The boys knew even less than Louis, but they were happy Harry was back, even though it was just a little part of the vibrant, joyous boy they all knew and missed. Some of the habits Harry had formed, hadn't gone away completely. His hour long showers, from which Louis could hear sobs from sometimes; the only difference is he had knocked on the door today to check on him. His need to dress in long , warm clothes was still there, something that Harry would have hated to do before. In the week following, Louis had woken up most nights to Harry crying in his sleep, others it was to him, almost routinely, getting up to go out on the couch, but either way, Louis had grabbed for him and kept him close to him, soothing him back to sleep.

Telling Louis wasn't a cure all for Harry. It didn't stop him from slicing his arms and stomach and hips and thighs. It didn't change the way he had begun to feel like he was dirty, like he had deserved it. In the back of his mind, there was the nagging thought that the boys wouldn't always be as patient as they were being now. Some day they would ask for an explanation for his behavior, Harry just hoped it wouldn't be soon. When they asked, he would tell them the truth, definitely. They deserved to know; it had affected them after all. His thoughts still tortured him nearly constantly, but it was a bit better knowing that he could go get an nice warm hug from Louis at anytime he wanted. He was fine for now, getting better, and Louis thought so too. As long as he didn't find out about Harry's cuts, it would continue that way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter and it's so short and I'm sorry but I have a ton of homework and I'm so tired from school but you guys deserved something and this is better than nothing right?

For a good month, it was going good. Harry was talking more, he was smiling more, and he was done with kissing Louis again. Harry's razor was hidden in the back of their second shelf in their bathroom cabinet, somewhere he knew Louis couldn't reach. He wasn't going to let Louis find out about his cutting. He'd already let him find out about one thing, that was more than enough for Louis to know. So he stuck to his long sleeve shirts, and sweaters, sweatshirts and pants that didn't come anywhere higher than below his knees. He was sure that Louis was becoming a little suspicious as to why Harry was insistent on wearing such warm clothes, so he just started to complain about how cold he was more often. Problem solved.

It was solved until the boys invited Louis and him to go swimming with them in the pool at their hotel that they were staying at. Harry immediately declined, telling Louis to go on without him, that he was feeling a little tired and was going to take a nap. Louis suggested that he could take his nap outside on one of the lawn chairs, but Harry couldn't do that. If he was out there it'd be way too warm to wear long sleeves, he wouldn't be able to say that he was cold and Louis would have no reason not to be suspicious. Again, he told him no, that he'd rather be in here, changing it up a little to say he wasn't feeling too good. Louis left him at that with a kiss on the lips and his forehead, checking for a temperature. He was free for at least an hour, free to take a shower, cry as loud and for as long as he wanted to, free to cut and not have that nagging worry in the back of his mind that Louis would catch him. So he did all of that, and slipped into bed because he really was tired, that part wasn't a lie.

Outside, Louis was releasing his worries on the boys. "...I just don't think it's normal. He can't really be that cold all the time. You guys know as well as I do that he hates to be overly warm."

"Maybe he is though, it's possible. I wouldn't read too much into it, he's just starting to act normal again." Liam reassured Louis, but it didn't do much to make him feel better, especially when Zayn started to talk after him.

"Lou, I know this is probably the complete opposite of was you want to hear, but," Zayn stopped to take a deep breath, "What if there's something he's hiding from you?"

Louis' heart stopped. What if Harry was hiding something from him? If he was, Louis didn't know how it if he could find out what Harry could possibly be hiding from him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The past two chapters were so shitty so i'm so sorry but i'll try to make this one better it's just that I put both of those out on nights i had to do homework and I just felt bad that i hadn't posted anything so yeah anyway, i'm sitting down, ready to write this without any distractions so i'm going to try my hardest and hope it comes out good.

Louis thought about what Zayn had suggested far longer than he should have. For the rest of the time they were in the pool, and all the way up to his room it was eating him up inside. What could Harry be hiding from him, if there even was anything _to_ hide. It was probably ridiculous to be fretting over such a small thing; Harry had reason to be acting weird still, he was still coping after all. But for some reason, call it intuition, Zayn's comment stuck in his head. Louis decided just to sleep it off, that he would slide in next to Harry once he had taken a shower and had on some dry clothes. A bloody tissue in the trash can is what stopped him from taking his shower. At closer glance, a _few_ poorly covered bloody tissues are what stopped him. Sure, Harry had gotten a nose bleed or two before, but they had been accidents. One, an elbow to his nose, courtesy of Louis. Another from a poorly thrown apple coming from Niall who apologized continuously. But never like this. Louis knew Harry, and Harry didn't just _get_ nosebleeds. Surely he could have. It could have been a one time thing. Or maybe Harry knocked his nose while opening a cabinet. Possibly he had just cut himself up bad when he had shaved. Louis had thousands of 'maybe's and 'what if's floating around in his head, but he knew deep down that this wasn't a nose bleed. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, but what else could it be, really. Louis' heart sunk the more he thought about it. It was all coming together in his mind and he felt so incredibly stupid for not noticing earlier. Of course Harry hadn't just started to appreciate being overly warm. Of course his showers were so long for a reason. Of course Harry was hiding something, and he was too much of a fucking idiot to notice. Eventually Louis calmed down enough to get in the shower for a few minutes to rinse all the chlorine off of himself. He changed quickly and got in bed, pulling Harry close to him. He couldn't seem to get Harry close enough, because every minute it felt like he was slipping away more and more.

Harry woke up just a few minutes past five to a snoring Louis snuggled up next to him. He squeezed his way out from Louis' grip without waking him; only a deep breath coming out of Louis as he settled back in. Harry was hungry, starving really, but in the hotel there really wasn't much, so he took out his phone to order some Chinese food for Louis and himself. Louis woke up and walked out to see Harry closing the door on the deliverer. Leaning against the door way, Louis could see what he'd blocked out before. Harry looked weaker, paler, like a sick, tired version of himself. He took a deep breath to calm himself before saying a quiet, "Hi."

Harry smiled softly and put down the bag before responding, "I was just about to wake you up. Good thing you woke up already cause I'm shit at waking you up." Harry chuckled, "You just look too cute and cuddly."

Louis smiled and laughed softly, but it was doing nothing to break the tension in the room. It wasn't like Louis was doing it on purpose, it was just that he realized how fragile Harry was. He knew now that there were tons of cuts under those clothes, ones that Harry made in his skin because was in that much emotional pain. Louis just felt like at any second Harry could break and fall apart into a million pieces that he wasn't sure he could put back together. He slowly walked over to the couch where Harry had sat down and began to take out his food. "How was your day?" Wow Louis way to start the most boring small talk ever.

"It was alright, yours?" Harry turned the TV on for some background noise because the silence on top of tension that had built up was too much for him. 

"Pretty good." Which no. No it wasn't. It was pretty good up until he saw those damn tissues in the trash can. It was quiet for a few minutes, both of them avoiding the topic that was the awkwardness in the room. 

Harry took a deep breath and put his plate down, before looking at Louis. "Lou, is there something wrong?"

"No," Louis muttered, taking a deep breath, "Are you alright, Harry?" It was out in the open now. Harry knew that Louis was worried about him.

He couldn't know, could he? There's no way he could possibly no, Harry was sure of it. "Yeah, Lou. Why?"

"Show me your arms, Harry." Louis said softly, but firmly. He didn't know how Harry would react, but he had to say something. He couldn't just let this go on.

Harry's mind was blank and his mouth was dry. Louis did know. Harry couldn't show him, no way was he going to let Louis see how badly he had torn up his arms. So he did all he could do. Joke. He pointed to his arm and smiled, "They're right here, silly."

"You know what I mean Harry." Of course Harry would do this. Of course he would make it into one big fucking joke. But it wasn't a joke to Louis. Not when all he could think of is coming home one day to Harry - well he doesn't quite want to think about that.

Harry pulled his arms to him and crossed them. He wasn't sure where this was going, but he knew one thing, and that was that he wasn't letting Louis see his arms. "Really, I don't."

Louis took a breath and ran his hand through his hair, "Goddammit Harry, I saw the tissues." He realized that it had come out a bit harsh and that definitely wasn't the way to get a confession out of Harry, "Please tell me I'm wrong." He begged quietly. No response came from Harry, he just stood and walked the short distance to the bedroom. Louis could have sworn he heard the door slam, but he wasn't sure. "Harry, don't do this." Louis pleaded as he got up and walked to the bedroom, where the door had no lock, luckily. Had it been a day later, they'd be at home and Harry would have locked him out for sure. When Louis pushed the door open, the sight in front of him broke his heart. Harry, sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, body shaking slightly. Louis tip-toed over to him, sitting down and wrapping an arm around Harry's back. "I'm sorry Haz, forget I said anything. We can talk about it tomorrow," Harry shook his head, "We'll talk about it eventually." Harry nodded his head and leaned into Louis. Louis knew he couldn't put off talking about it forever, but talking about it made Harry like this and seeing Harry like this was almost as bad as knowing that he cut himself. Almost.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry this took so long and this is basically a filler but I have plans for what's gonna happen later on and I just don't want it to happen just yet. But yeah I'm so sorry it's just so hard when I have school, but I'm on break now so I should be able to post like two more before I go back to school.

After compromising that they'd eventually talk about it, Louis let go of Harry and got them comfortable in bed. Harry had snuggled up close to him and he held on just as tight as Louis was holding on to him. Harry seemed to have fallen asleep quickly, but Louis stayed up for a while, his mind full of thoughts. He had to stop Harry some way, but he just didn't know how. He didn't know if he could do this on his own, but at the same time he didn't want to tell the other boys because it wasn't any of their business. He had the quick thought that maybe Harry would stop on his own, but he knew that was a stupid thought. Harry would only get worse and Louis needed to stop him before Harry went too deep for Louis to do anything. Eventually, Louis did fall asleep, a dreamless sleep due to how exhausted he hadn't even realized he was.

When he woke up, it was to Harry shaking him gently to get him ready to leave the hotel. Louis got up slowly and noticed that for the first time in months, Harry wasn't wearing a long sleeve shirt. He wasn't wearing a shirt at all and Louis felt like crying. Really, he had no reason to keep hiding it around Louis know that it was out in the open, but wow. Louis wasn't ready to see Harry like this. Sure, he had the knowledge in his head that Harry had been cutting himself. But seeing it now confirmed to him that _Harry had been cutting himself_. Harry seemed more fragile than ever and Louis didn't even want to hug him and hold him, the only thing he knew to do to make Harry better, because _what if he broke him_? Even in the dim lighting of their hotel room, Louis could see the cuts all up his arms and over the lower part of his stomach, some new and some old, some longer and deeper than others, the worse ones being the ones that looked much newer. Louis walked over to Harry and whimpered a quiet, "Harry." At first, Harry looked up at him with a scared expression on his face, until his saw Louis shake his head no and open his arms to hug him tight. "Please Harry, you have to stop this. Please." Louis begged quietly, knowing that it wouldn't do much, but he could try.

Harry held onto Louis tightly for a few moments before whispering a quiet, "I'm so sorry." Louis took that as a confirmation that Harry didn't plan on stopping anytime soon.

"I know babe." Louis said softly and squeezed Harry a bit tighter before letting go. "Let's get ready to leave then." Harry took a deep breath and moved away from Louis to finish packing up his suitcase. When he turned away to pack, Louis allowed himself to look at the cuts he could see from behind. How could Harry do this to himself? They were everywhere, and Louis began to wonder if there were more in places Harry still had covered. Eventually they're packing was done and they were both dressed and ready to leave. While in the bus with the other boys, Louis tried his best not to make it seem like something was wrong, but it was hard when he'd barely sit close to Harry, afraid he'd hurt him. The car ride was awkward to say the least, but he tried to get into some of the conversations, since even Harry was talking.

Louis hadn't been paying attention to the conversations going on, but when he felt Harry tense up beside him, he decided to listen, just in time to hear Niall saying, "...And I could see, even from on the stage, the cuts on her arms." Louis reached out to pull Harry closer around the waist, gently as not to hurt him if there were any cuts there. Harry laid his head on Louis' shoulder, and eventually ended up dosing off like that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such bad writers block in the beginning of writing this. But yeah. Here ya go.

Harry had fallen asleep soon after Niall's discussion with the boys about how he felt for a fan who he had seen at their concert a few nights before ended, holding on tight to Louis. Once Louis was positive Harry was asleep, he decided to help move him back into his bunk so he could talk to the boys. They deserved to know, not everything, but something. Harry was their friend too, and they were being kept completely in the dark. The need to tell them may have been a tad selfish too, but Louis wouldn't admit that. He just needed advice; he was way out of his league on this one. When he walked back into the area that the boys were in, he cleared his throat to get their attention. "Boys, can I talk to you? Seriously?" He was worried if he was being honest. What if Harry woke up and heard him telling the boys and thought that he couldn't trust Louis anymore? But Louis had to tell them, he just _had_ to or else he'd be of no help to Harry. Once they quieted down and looked to Louis, he took it as a yes and he went on, "This stays between us, please. I don't know how Harry would feel if you knew this, but it's too much for me to handle all by myself." That definitely got the boys interested in what he was going to say. "Something happened to Harry, something that when he's ready I hope he'll tell you, and he's not taking it well. It's why he was so distant for so long, and it's why he's -" Louis took a deep breath. He was going to do it. He was going to admit to the boys that Harry wasn't alright, and that he was scared that he would never give himself the chance to ever be alright. "Harry's been cutting himself." Louis said quietly, and didn't quite get the relief he was expecting. Maybe it wasn't that he had to tell someone, more so that he had to get Harry to stop. Louis saw the expressions on their faces change to ones of sadness, shock, even anger and guilt.

Niall was the first to speak up, a look of confusion written on his face, "I knew that he was acting different but he seemed better." Niall said quietly, but it sounded more like a question.

"I know Ni, that's what I thought too," Louis agreed, "But that's why he wouldn't come to the pool yesterday. That's why he hasn't worn a short sleeved shirt in months. I should have done something sooner."

Liam looked up from the floor where he'd been looking, "How did you find out?"

"I came back from the pool and I was going in to the shower, but I stopped when I saw something red in the trash can. There was just so much blood on those tissues." Louis let out a sigh and put his head in his hands. "I just don't know what to do." He looked up to see Zayn reaching over to put a hand on his shoulder, "I'm scared. Really fucking scared that I'm going to come home and find him in the bathroom with his wrists slit open and I- I don't think I could handle that." Louis confided to the boys, and at the second Louis took a deep breath and raised his hand to wipe his eyes from the tears he could feel beginning to fall, the boys had jumped to hug him. Whether it was more to comfort him or to comfort them, it didn't matter. Now, Louis wasn't the type to cry in front of people, or even let his emotions show all that much. But now was an exception and these were his boys, so he let let the tears fall as he held onto Zayn who was directly in front of him, the other boys wrapped around the back of him. Louis was pretty sure that he wasn't the only one that didn't have dry eyes, which wouldn't surprise him. He had never felt such a pain in his chest, like he could feel a physical pain on top of the emotional pain he was feeling. He let himself cry for a bit because he needed it, and if he was going to show this side of him to anyone, he'd rather it be the boys. Once he calmed down a bit, he pulled away from the boys, just in time to hear Harry calling out for Louis from the bunk beds, requesting a cuddle. "I'll talk to you later, then." He walked away after giving the boys a sad smile. He was glad the lights were off in that area of the bus because he was sure he looked like a mess. "Hey Haz." Louis whispered while he climbed into Harry's bunk. Harry smiled sleepily at him and reached out for Louis, who gladly crawled over to him and held him around the waist. "Go back to sleep babe, I love you." Louis whispered into the side of Harry's head, kissing him lightly on the temple as he heard Harry begin to snore lightly. Louis felt like he wasn't alone in all of this now that he had the boys with him. It didn't mean it would be easy, but it didn't have to be. He'd do anything to get his Harry back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. School and homework yadda yadda yadda. I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry for any mistakes I kind of wrote this in a rush and it's really short so I'm sorry.

When Louis had lead Harry into the bed, Harry had stayed awake enough to hear what was going on in the other room. Every bit of it. He wasn't angry at Louis, not at all. Harry truly wished he could just stop, really that he had never started, because he was hurting Louis in the process. The sadness in Louis' voice when he admitted to the boys that Harry had been cutting himself had only made Harry feel worse about the situation. Louis didn't cry in front of people, plain and simple; Harry could count the times he'd seen him cry in the past three years on one hand, and that's how Harry knew it was bad. Louis didn't walk into another room to calm down, no, he stayed and let himself be held. It eventually became too much for Harry to listen to so he called out for Louis to come in because no one could comfort Louis like Harry could. Only once Louis was calmed down and with him did he finally fall asleep.

Harry woke up in the middle of yet another one of his nightmares that had never truly gone away all together. It made him feel like his dreams always made him feel, worthless, scared, _dirty_. He woke up with a jump and a gasp, luckily not waking up Louis. He had to get out of bed and go to the bathroom soon or else he would end up waking up Louis and he couldn't do that, not after seeing how affected he was by all of this already. He was so close to making it to the bathroom where no one could see him when he was to start crying harder than he already was, but Liam happened to be going to the bathroom at the same time. Harry tried to wipe his eyes quick enough, but even in the dim light of the tour bus they kept it at while everyone slept, he knew Liam could still tell. He heard a quiet, sympathetic, "Harry," before Liam was pulling him into a hug. Harry tried to push away from Liam but gave up, settling into the hug instead. Liam comforted him the best he could but still it took a while for Harry to calm down. "What's wrong Harry?" Liam asked quietly, leading Harry away from the bathroom and over to a couch in the next space over. Harry shook his head and held on tighter to Liam. If he admitted to Liam that he was scared, that he was dirty, that he was hurting, he'd have to tell him why and he didn't know if he was ready to do that.

Harry held onto him tighter, letting out a long sob because that feeling of needing to get it off of his chest and tell came back again. He had felt _so_ much better after telling Louis because it meant he wasn't alone anymore, but this was too much to lay on Louis and he could definitely see that now. He was alone again and he couldn't be alone again, _wouldn't_ be alone again. " _Liam_ ," Harry whined, planning on saying more, but choking on his own breath, "Liam, I need to tell you something and I need you to be quiet until I'm done because I'm going to break down and I'm going to have a hard time getting it out, but I need to get this out. Please Liam." Harry begged, and when Liam nodded he began to retell the story he'd only had the courage to say out loud once before. It took a while and Harry was crying harder than when he started the story, but it was out and Liam was hugging him and telling him that it was going to be okay, which Harry was starting to believe less and less each day, especially since all he could think of doing as soon as he got out of Liam's arms was cutting into his own skin.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually surprisingly had time to do this tonight but the only thing is that I had such a hard time with finding a way to end like the very last sentences. I don't know how I feel about them but anyway. Enjoy!  
>  *****I'm thinking of posting these on a schedule of like one chapter every Saturday because I do better with deadlines and it'll be more reliable, so that's what I'm going with at this moment and after Christmas it might change because I'm going to be on a laptop instead of my phone. It'll be easier to post while I'm on break too, so I might have it more often, but no promises of that. So yeah, there you go*****

Harry told Liam that too, that he wanted nothing more than to hurt himself right then, because it was already out in the open that Harry was cutting himself. Liam's grip on Harry tightened as Harry babbled on to him that he couldn't do this, that his didn't want to cut himself, but he _needed_ to because he didn't know any other way to cope. Harry was nearly hysterical when Liam told him that he wasn't going to let him do that, because Liam just didn't understand what Harry meant. Liam didn't know how hard it was for Harry to wake up every single day and carry on with the whole world watching and judging, he didn't understand that Harry's biggest critic was himself, he just didn't understand the emotional pain you had to be in to enjoy hurting yourself. But in the back of Harry's mind he knew that Liam was doing this to help him because he loved Harry and knew what was better for him more so than Harry himself. Around 5:30 in the morning, Harry began to run dry on tears, shaky breaths and quiet sobs being all he let out. Liam stayed with him the whole time, not shushing him or even saying anything most of the time which Harry appreciated, because he didn't need to be consoled, he just needed to let it out. For the first time in nearly three hours, Harry pulled away from Liam to take a deep breath and held his hands to his sore, puffy red eyes. "I'm so sorry for that Liam." Harry mumbled, moving so he was farther away from Liam and pulling his knees up to his chest.

Liam shook his head, his eyes looking like he'd cried some during the last few hours too, "There's no reason for you to be," Wiping a hand down his face he whispered, "I'm sorry Harry. You're the last person that this should have happened to." Harry knew that wasn't true. He knew that it was his fault somehow. He'd done something that had caused it, surely; he'd gone to the bar alone, he'd ordered too many drinks to be alright alone, he'd sought out the company of a dodgy man at a dodgy bar and all of this was completely his fault. That set him off all over again apparently because he started shaking and sniffling and sobbing and there was nothing him, or Liam, or anyone for that matter could do to stop it. This was the worst Harry had been since the night it'd first happened, and he truly didn't know how to calm down fully. He was glad when Liam moved over to hold onto him again because he didn't know how bad it would be if he was free to get up and find something sharp. Liam's constant reminder in his ear to breathe, just breathe, may have seemed a bit unnecessary, but he was having a hard enough time breathing with Liam's reminders, his breath coming out shorter and heavier as his sobs got harder and harder. His eyes hurt and his head hurt and his chest felt like it was seriously going to explode but he just _couldn't_ stop. Liam seemed to realize that he wasn't going to be able to calm down Harry like he had only just a few minutes earlier, so he spoke up softly, not stopping the constant circular pattern he'd drawing on Harry's back as an effort to calm him down, "H, I'm going to go get Louis, he'll be able to help more than I can, okay?" If Harry thought that he would be able to calm down anytime soon on his own he would have stopped Liam and told him that Louis needed his sleep, but he didn't know what it would take in order to calm himself down, so he said nothing, instead curling in on himself when Liam let go of him to get Louis. It was only a few moments later when he felt himself being gently pushed further against the couch, Louis squeezing in next to him and getting a hold on him.

"Breathe, babe," Louis pleaded, "Deep breaths, c'mon." But all he got were a few hiccuped breaths from Harry, followed by pitiful sobs and Harry's hands clenching almost painfully to his side. Louis knew that Liam had come to get him because he believed that he would be able to calm Harry down, but he really didn't know if there was anything he could do besides smooth back his hair and hold him tight until he tired himself out. It was an awful sight to watch, from Louis' perspective, Liam's, and Zayn and Niall's, who had woken up at some point during Harry's break down. Louis really didn't know what else to call it, if he was honest. He'd never seen Harry this bad, this inconsolable, and he was terrified. It was breaking his heart to watch Harry gasp for air and wail out sobs that had his throat sounding painfully dry and his eye puffier and redder than he'd ever seen them. Louis had asked Liam to grab him some pain medicine and a glass of water for Harry after he'd woken him up, because if Harry was half as bad as Liam had described him, he'd have a killer headache, and as soon as Harry had started to calm down the slightest bit Louis gave it to him to take. Harry took it quickly, proving to Louis that he was right in thinking that he was in pain. Louis didn't know what had caused Harry to get this bad, but he had no desire to ask because finally, after almost another hour, Harry had started to calm down and doze off in his arms and he was afraid that any further mention of it would start it all over again. Louis whispered a quiet, "I love you." to Harry who was still taking gulping breaths in his arms, "C'mon go to sleep, love. I'll still be here when you wake up." Harry nodded and closed his eyes, holding tighter to Louis as he finally let his exhaustion take over him. It was a welcome sight when he felt Harry's grip on him loosen and heard his breath even out because Harry was finally asleep and he wasn't the heartbreaking sobbing mess that Louis was still worried would return at any moment. It was only when he was sure that Harry was asleep that he realized just how tired he was, and now was the best time to let himself sleep, incase Harry woke up like that again. He hugged himself tighter to Harry and let himself fall asleep, silently hoping that Harry wouldn't wake up and leave him if he felt like that again, even more so hoping that he never had to see Harry that upset ever again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry. It was my friend's birthday yesterday and I was out all today so again I'm so so so sorry I was just really busy this weekend, so instead of updating on Saturdays, I'll make it Saturdays and Sundays because then I have two days. I hope you enjoy but I'm not quite sure about this chapter because I was so focused on getting this written and I had so much trouble actually getting this written.

Louis woke up later that day, well into the afternoon. Harry was still sleeping and the bus was much quieter than normal, the boys seeming to keep it down due to Harry's state the night before. Louis was no different, not moving away or making any noise, as not to wake Harry.

It was at least an hour, filled with nothing more than soft touches and staring at a sleeping Harry, before Harry woke up. He blinked a few times, his eyes still seeming slightly puffy and red, and gave Louis a small smile and croaked out a quiet, "Good morning."

"Good morning," Louis whispered, pushing back his hair from his face, "How are you feeling, darling?"

Harry shrugged, "I've felt better before, if I'm honest." Louis nodded because he understood completely, no matter how long Harry had ended up sleeping, a breakdown like that drained a person. He continued to play with Harry's hair in silence, until Harry spoke up with a quiet, "I'm really sorry about last night, it just all got to me and I exploded. I just didn't know what to what to do, Lou."

"There's no reason to apologize," Louis shook his head when Harry went to continue, "Really. There isn't, and I'm sure the boys agree with me. We're here for you and you needed us, it's what we do."

Harry took a deep breath but didn't say anything back to Louis, instead leaning his head back on him and mumbling, "My head hurts Lou, let's just go back to sleep." Louis had no problem with that, so he nodded and settled back into the sofa, pulling Harry closer to him. Harry fell asleep quickly, snoring quietly and looking younger and more relaxed than when he was awake, but Louis couldn't seem to fall asleep, and as much as he'd love to hold onto Harry for hours, he really felt like he needed to talk to the boys right now, especially Liam. He squeezed his way out of Harry's grip and laid a blanket over him before walking out into the kitchen area of the bus, where he figured the boys would be since it was the furthest room from where Harry was.

They all looked up when Louis walked in and he gave them a small wave in return before sitting on top of the counter top. "How's Harry?" Liam asked first, handing a bottle of water to Louis.

Louis shrugged, "He went back to sleep, said his head hurt pretty bad." He took a sip of the water before sighing and asking, "What did he tell you last night Liam?"

"He told me he had a nightmare but didn't want to wake you and burden you, I guess?" Liam said uncertainly, "And then he told me the uh, the _thing_ , and that he," Liam took a deep breath before continuing, "He just really wanted to cut himself right then and there. It really was awful, he's not like that often, is he?"

"No, I've never seen him _that_ bad. Thanks for being there for him Liam, he scares me when he gets upset like that, he really does. I just don't know what he's going to do." Niall and Zayn hadn't said a word since he got there, but the weight of seeing Harry like that last night seemed to have gotten to them also. "He'll be alright again though, I won't let him not be." Louis said with a sad laugh at the end, because honestly, there wasn't much he could do. The topic of conversation changed from the sad, quiet topic of Harry, to a bit of small talk and talk about anything else really, anything that wouldn't remind them of Harry. Eventually, they got close to home and Louis went to wake up Harry, leaving the boys to talk quietly by themselves again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm early on this, but that's good, right? This chapter is happier so I guess that's good too, I hope you enjoy yadda yadda yadda.

"C'mon babe, wake up." Louis whispered, sliding his hand through Harry's hair to slowly wake him up. "Harry, we're almost home, you have to get up." Harry's eyes slowly opened and they still looked pretty bloodshot and puffy, but seemed to be a little bit better than they were before. Harry gave him a small smile, which was definitely promising, so he returned it and asked, "Are you feeling any better, sweetheart?"

"A little, yeah." Harry said as he sat up and sorted out his hair.

"The boys are really worried about you." Louis spit out, and okay, maybe it wasn't going to make Harry feel better, but he had to tell him. Who knew, maybe knowing that the boys were worried too would help Harry get better. Louis doubted it.

A look of fear and worry flashed across Harry's face for a quick second before he asked, "Liam didn't tell them, right?"

He didn't have to explain anymore to Louis, he knew what he meant. He knew that he meant _the_ secret, because what else could Harry be so worried about Liam telling Zayn and Niall. "No, of course not. They saw you last night though, said it broke their hearts to see you so upset. It breaks mine too, H. I hate to see you like this."

"Truthfully," Harry mumbled, "I just don't know how to stop being so God damn sad all the time." It was only after he put his head in his hands that he said, "I just don't know how to stop reliving it day in and day out, Lou."

Louis could hear how Harry's voice had shifted into a sadder, quieter tone, so he got up onto the couch and rested a soothing hand on Harry's back, "C'mon, we don't have to talk about this now. We can talk later in our bed and I'll be right there to hold you if you need me. I don't want you to restart last night all over so soon, for your sake."

Harry nodded, seeming almost relieved that Louis wasn't going to make him talk right now, and leaned into Louis' side. "Let's get our stuff, I want to get home as soon as possible." As they both began to stand up, Harry added, "All these guys in here is beginning to stink up the place." And if Louis heard correctly, which he's positive he did, Harry chuckled a bit at his own joke, and yeah, that was good. Really good.

Once they had all of their bags ready to go and by the door, they went to the television room on the bus where the rest of the guys were. They all seemed a bit uncertain of how to talk to Harry, like they were walking on eggshells, until Niall finally spoke up, jokingly saying, "Good morning Sleeping Beauty, it's about time you woke up." That got a little giggle and a smile out of Harry and it lightened the mood of the whole area. They could relax and talk without worrying if Harry would start crying again. Sure, that thought was still in the back of their minds, but as long as they kept him laughing and smiling, he wasn't going to be crying, and that was progress, and progress is good. After about fifteen minutes or so, they were finally home. Technically it was just the car park where they kept their cars while they were on the road so that the bus could drop them off there and they could drive the few miles to their flats. They said their goodbye's which really weren't necessary because they'd most likely see each other in a few days, if not tomorrow, seeing as it's only a few minutes drive to get to any of their homes from their own.

The car ride was quick and quiet, but it was alright because Harry was holding Louis' hand over the console, which Louis quite liked. As soon as they walked up the stairs to their house and Louis got the door unlocked, he ran and collapsed face down on the couch, rushing out how much he had missed it and apologies for leaving it over and over. He heard Harry let out a loud laugh and saw him cover his mouth as he kept laughing and the sight nearly brought tears to Louis' eyes, because for the first time in months, Harry seemed generally happy and worry free. Louis knew it wasn't true and that Harry was still hurting and that they'd still need to talk soon but for the moment Harry was really, truly happy and Louis wanted to keep it that way; save the talking for later, maybe even another day, because who was he to take this happiness away from Harry who definitely deserved it. "How about we have a movie night and we can get take away and just eat a whole bunch of junk food all night?" Louis asked as soon as he got up from the couch and Harry's giggles had simmered down.

"That sounds really great, but only if we can get pizza. I _really_ want pizza." And yeah, Louis could definitely agree to pizza if that's what Harry wanted.

"Pizza it is then." Louis smiled, "Pepperoni or that God awful Hawaiian pizza you love so much?" Louis asked, phone already in hand. Louis really didn't hate the pizza, he quite liked it actually. It's just that months and months ago when Harry had first begged him to order it, he had put up a fight about how morally wrong that pizza was, and well, Louis wasn't one to admit defeat.

"Louis Tomlinson, Mr. Anti-Hawaiian Pizza himself has agreed to get it? Well Hawaiian pizza it is because this may just well be a once in a life time opportunity!" Harry joked, and laughed when Louis rolled his eyes sarcastically and dialed the number for the pizza shop.

"One time. Don't get used to it Harry." He whispered, speaking back up when the person on the other line asked him his order.

Around midnight they were halfway into their third movie, A Walk To Remember, and they were surrounded by and empty box of pizza, Hawaiian pizza that Louis genuinely enjoyed and would never admit to, and multiple empty bags of microwave popcorn. Harry was laid back, resting on the arm of the chair with Louis pulled on top of him, and it was really nice to be the one being cuddled instead of being the one giving the cuddles for once. Not that Louis didn't love to cuddle Harry, because that was far from the truth, it's just that in the past few months he'd been more on the giving than receiving end and it was nice to change things up every now and then. It had quieted down a lot since the first two movies which they hadn't paid much attention to, choosing rather to talk through them instead. Harry was paying full attention to the movie, head turned to the screen while his hand moved slowly up and down Louis' back. "Hey, Harry," Louis whispered, looking away from the movie and up at Harry, "How are you feeling right now, honestly?"

Harry turned and looked at Louis, "Honestly?" He took a deep breath before saying, "I'm really happy right now. It's still in the back of my mind obviously, like it always is, but it's just farther in the back right now." Harry gave Louis a little squeeze and kissed the top of his head, whispering a soft, "Thank you."

Louis smiled and sighed, because things were good right now, his Harry was good right now and he was happy. "No problem, love." He said softly, turning his head back to the screen, and feeling Harry turn his head to the screen a few moments later. It was quiet and calm and before too long he felt Harry's hand stop moving on his back and heard Harry's breath slow down and even out. He was snoring quietly, just the tiniest little bit and he found really cute if he was honest, and _God, even Louis knew he was in too deep with Harry_ but he was alright with it because Harry was his favorite person in the world, hands down, so he really found no problem in being so incredibly, stupidly in love with him. He reached behind him to grab a blanket and covered him and Harry with it, settling back in and not even bothering to turn off the television before falling asleep in Harry's arms.

When Louis woke up the next morning, he was in the same place as he was when he fell asleep, Harry underneath him with his head turned to the television. He must have felt Louis move because a few seconds later he turned to him and smiled, "Good morning, sunshine."

Louis laughed because seriously, _how_ cheesy. But this was good; a cheesy Harry was a happy Harry. "What time is it?" He asked, yawning and laying his head back onto Harry's chest.

"A little after eleven," Harry replied, turning to look at Louis, "Want some breakfast?"

It had been so long since Harry had cooked for him, let alone woken up early enough to cook him breakfast. "Yeah, yeah. Breakfast would be great." Louis didn't know what was making Harry feeling better these past two days, but he wasn't going to question it. Maybe what he needed was to break down and cry, let it all out. Louis just hoped that it stayed this way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the worst writers block right now i'm going to cry this is so short and awful and it's late but like i want to have something happen but i don't want it to happen yet so i'm really reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllyyyy sorry and i promise i'll try to make the next chapter way way way better and longer because I want it to happen in the next chapter. So yes i know I'm a horrible person for making you guys wait and only giving you this and you're welcome to tell me that.

Things went on like that for a while. Good, great even. The fans seemed to have noticed that Harry was talking more in interviews, there were more pictures of him smiling and laughing than before, that he was just an overall happier person now. It was great that they had Harry back, not just the act of Happy Harry that he had been putting on for a while. Harry had told Louis that he had been clean from cutting for three days and while that may have been a short time, Louis was extremely proud of him for it because that meant he was trying and all he asked for was for Harry to try. Trying was good, and if Harry could make it three days, Louis had hope that he could make it four, then five, and weeks after that. Sure he expected Harry to relapse because that was a thing that happened and it was normal. He knew that Harry was strong but he wasn’t stupid enough to expect him to be _that_ strong.

 

It _was_ good. Was. Harry was good for a week and a half before he went back to old habits. He hadn't quite had time to actually slip back into his old habits, but ever since they had gone out that morning to leave for an interview, Harry seemed different. The car ride there was alright in the beginning, all of them laughing and joking like usual, but then something changed about halfway through. The first thing that Louis noticed was how Harry turned away slightly when he went to give him a kiss on his cheek. It only got worse when Harry scooted away from him, choosing to sit stiffly in his designated seat in the middle. Louis let him be though, knowing that Harry may just be having an off day and if being close to Louis was making it worse, then obviously Louis wasn’t going to make him sit close to him. He figured that once they started the interview that Harry would let whatever was bothering him go and it would get better, but not only did it not get better, it got _worse_. Harry was almost as bad as he had been in interviews before, quiet and unwilling to answer any questions that weren’t directed towards him, but this time it was somehow worse. The whole time he seemed skittish and afraid, jumping at the smallest sounds all while sporting the saddest look of fear on his face. He had even snapped at the interviewer at one point and that was new. No matter how Harry felt he was never rude to people unless it was something they definitely deserved. It was almost painful to sit through the interview, all of them talking a bit more than they usually would to cover up for Harry’s weird, distant behavior. It wasn’t like it was something new to them, because it was far from it, something they had to deal with for weeks before they knew what was wrong, but they had all began to think that it was all over with so they weren’t prepared to deal with this again. Finally, the interview ended and they didn’t even have time to say their goodbye’s to the interviewer and staff before Harry was up and out of the room. They knew by the way that he’d sat with his head down almost the entire interview that the ride home wouldn’t be a fun one, one that would probably be a lot like the ride there.

 

It was worse than what they could have expected, Harry refusing to even sit next to any of them, instead sitting up in the passenger seat. The whole ride was spent with him sitting with his knees pulled up to this chest and his arms holding them in place, and his head leaning on top of his knees. It was killing Louis to watch him up there, obviously in pain, but there was nothing he could do to help him from his seat almost all the way in the back. The ride seemed much longer than it normally would, all of them silent with the radio turned off in case any noise could and would set Harry off. Louis planned on meeting Harry at the front of the car once they got back to their house, but as soon as the car stopped, Harry opened his door and walked to the house, not even bothering to look back to make sure that Louis was following him. “I … I’ll see you guys soon.” Louis stammered out as he quickly got out of the car to follow after Harry. Harry was close to shutting the door on him, but thankfully he had looked back before he shut it, holding it open just long enough for it to pass off to Louis. He chose to walk passed the elevator and straight to the stairs, making for a very long and very awkward walk up to their flat. Louis didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of the hallway, which is why he waited until they got inside of the flat to say a quiet, “Harry, what’s wrong?” He didn’t get an answer though, Harry just turned and shook his head, before walking over and collapsing into his arms, letting out a sob that sounded rather painful and like he’d been holding it in for quite some time. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about this being late, and i'll apologize in advance for the end. But I'm gonna change this and say instead of posting on Saturday or Sunday, I'll post on either Sunday or Monday because obviously the other schedule isn't working.

 

Harry stayed in his arms and cried for quite some time before he finally pulled away and wiped at his eyes. "Harry, love, tell me what's wrong. You're scaring me." Louis begged quietly, pulling Harry back into his chest.

 

"I s-" Harry tried to get his sentence, but had to start again because a sob had cut him off the first time, "I saw him Lou! I saw him when we were on our way to the interview." Harry muttered, a few hiccuped breaths making it come out choppy, "I saw the guy who did this to me, he's still out there Lou, and he could come and find me and do it to me again."

 

Harry sounded utterly terrified and it broke his heart to listen to anymore of it, "Harry, look at me, " Louis pleaded, pulling away from Harry just enough so that he could look him in the eye, "He's not going to find you, and he's most definitely not going to hurt you ever again. You're safe with me, and to get to you, he'd have to get through me first." It didn't seem to make Harry feel better though, his shaking and sobbing hadn't subsided any, and Louis was beginning to worry that Harry was going to cry himself sick. "C'mon babe, lets get you into bed and we'll have a nice cuddle. No one will get you, I promise." 

 

Harry nodded and pulled away from Louis, only to grab his hand tightly a few seconds later. Louis squeezed his hand before standing and pulling him up with him to their room. After helping Harry to get undressed and pulling him into bed, tucked into his side, Harry fell asleep pretty quickly. Louis followed soon after, only waking up when his alarm went off the next morning. 

 

Zayn and Louis had to go in for a radio interview early in the morning, earlier than Harry would usually even be up, but Louis still felt uncomfortable leaving him home alone after the state he was in last night. But Louis had to do what he had to do, so the best he could do was leave Harry a note reminding him of where he was going and that he'd be back later that day. Worst comes the worst, Liam and Niall lived close enough that if Harry needed them they'd be there in a heartbeat. So yeah, Harry would be fine while he was gone. If Louis kept his phone on him during the interview then that was purely a coincidence.

 

Harry woke up from a nightmare, something that he had been thankful that had gone away, and instictively went to reach for Louis, but all he found was a cold, empty bed. Immediately, he felt the panic begin to set in, the crippling fear that he had felt since yesterday morning. It was awful, feeling like that man could be in his house, like he could get him again at any moment.  Louis' note had said that if he needed him, he could call him at anytime, but Harry couldn't do that. There was nothing Louis, or anyone for that matter, could do to help Harry. It seemed worse this time around, the fear, the guilt that he felt from it, even though in the back of his mind he knew that none of this was his fault. It wasn't just the knowledge that the man, Jack, was still out there, it was the look that he had on his face when he saw Harry. He remembered Harry, probably still thought about it late at night. Maybe he got off on the fear in Harry's eyes, his screams to _stop, please, please, stop_. Harry knew that he must remember how Harry looked naked, laid out and in pain all because of him. Harry knew that he was acting horrible yesterday, and looking back on it, he knew that he had been acting horrible for the most part of the last few months. He had been letting the boys down, they shouldn't have to make up for his behavior in interviews, that wasn't their job. He had been letting down the fans, making them worry about him. They liked the band for the happy, smiley people they usually saw, but Harry was ruining it with his horrible mood caused by his own horrible mistake. He hadn't had a proper conversation with his parents or his sister in weeks, and they definitely had to have noticed that he's been acting different, they were probably more people that could be added to the list of people worrying about him that definitely shouldn't. Louis, was the person he felt the worst about making experience this. Louis didn't need to go through this with him. Louis deserved better, he could have better if he wanted, but he stuck with Harry through all of this. That's when Harry thought of something that didn't scare or worry him like it should. Everyone's lives would probably be better without him. 

 

It brought him to tears thinking about it, but it was the truth. The band would suffer a little, but they'd end up benefiting without him eventually. He was only dragging them down at this point. Sure, the fans would be sad for a little, but they'd get over it soon enough when they realized that they didn't need to worry about Harry on top of their own worries. His family would be heartbroken at first, but how long would that really last when they learned of how disgusting Harry was for letting that man do that to him. Louis would be sad for a few days, no doubt, but he'd move on. He'd find someone new that would be all around better than Harry. Someone who wouldn't let this happen to themselves, someone who could be a better person for Louis to love.

 

Maybe he wasn't thinking rationally when he stood up and walked to the desk in their room. Maybe he wasn't thinking rationally when he picked up a pen and paper and began to write a letter addressed to Louis, later his family, and then the boys. Maybe he wasn't thinking rationally when he even included a little part for the fans, telling them how great they'd been and how they had changed his life forever. Maybe he wasn't thinking rationally when he folded the tear stained paper up and placed it neatly on Louis' pillow, just waiting there for him when he came home. Maybe he wasn't thinking rationally when he walked to the bathroom and started the water for the tub, taking a look in the mirror before he undressed and got into the tub, bringing his personal favorite razor to cut with, with him. He definitely wasn't thinking rationally, wasn't thinking of all the times he'd miss, the possibilities of getting married and adopting children with Louis, how much everyone would miss him if he wasn't there, when he took the blade and dragged it up his arm, crying all the while, and making the deepest cut he'd ever dared to make. A cut that he had never dared to try going nearly as deep because he knew what the result would be, a quick an easy exit from everything he couldn't live with anymore. 

 

The last thing he remembered after making one last cut resembling the one on the other arm was hearing Louis call his name cheerily from downstairs. That was one thing he didn't think through, the guilt he'd feel from having Louis find him like this.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is late i suck i know. I was really busy yesterday but I hope that you still love me. I hope you enjoy?? I don't know if that's appropriate for a sad chapter. Whatever.

 

 

Louis wasn't that worried when Harry didn't answer him at first. He was probably sleeping afterall, last night had been rough on him. It was when he got up to their bedroom, expecting to find Harry snuggled into bed, fast asleep, and he wasn't there that he got worried. If Harry had left the house, he would have called Louis, or at least left him a note, but nothing, absolutely nothing. It was right then that two things happened that made Louis' heart drop to his stomach; he looked to his left and saw a note folded up on his pillow, 'Louis' written acrossed it in writing too sloppy to be anything that wasn't being written while someone was rushed and frantic, and he noticed the faint sound of the bath running in the distance. Louis moved without thinking, sprinting to the bathroom while shouting Harry's name, frantically begging him to be alright. He had grabbed his phone from his pocket in a rush while he opened the door, seeing a sight that made him bring his hand to his mouth, holding in the sob that was threatening to come out. He called for an ambulance, choking out the words while looking at Harry, his Harry, lying in a bath with water tinted red. He looked so pale, but so relaxed, and Louis couldn't help but sink to his knees next to Harry and cry, brushing back his hair. It seemed to all happened in slow motion once the paramedics arrived. There was nothing he could do at this point besides stand off to the side and out of their way, because getting in their way could mean the difference between getting his Harry back or having to go on without Harry forever. On his way outside, Louis made sure to grab the note Harry left him and stuffed it in his pocket. They allowed Louis to sit in the ambulance and all he wanted to do was hold Harry's hand while he cried, but he couldn't even do that with the paramedics trying to stop the bleeding. Louis watched them get Harry to breathe again and he felt like he was taking his first breath since he found Harry when Harry took his, but it was soon taken away from him when they told him that Harry had lost a lot of blood and the chances of him making it were slim. Louis wasn't allowed into the room with Harry so he was left to sit in the waiting room, scrolling through the contacts on his phone to decide who to call first. He settled on Zayn because he would tell the other boys for Louis, and he was probably the best at comforting Louis besides Harry. He'd call Anne later, when he was calmer and could better explain it to her without breaking down into sobs, she deserved that much. 

 

Louis dialled Zayn's number and tried to even out his breathing while he waited for him to pick up, but when he let out a quiet, shaky, "Z-Zayn ... I n-need you and the boys to come to the hospital. Harry's hurt." He knew that it's obvious he was holding back a sob. 

Zayn sounded shocked, but he quickly agreed to come with a quick, "S'okay Lou, it'll be okay. We'll be right down." 

Louis doesn't answer him back, afraid that the won't be able to hold back his crying any longer, so he hangs up and burries his head in his hands. He stays that way until he felt someone kneel in front of him and wrap their arms around him. He knows without looking up that it's Zayn, and that only makes him cry harder because he's going to have to explain what happened to them, and he doesn't think he can get the words out, considering he's having a hard enough time even thinking about it.

"H-he tr-tried to kill himself, Zayn." Louis mumbles into Zayn's shoulder, barely loud enough for Zayn to hear. He feels more than hears the way that Zayn takes a deep breath in before he continues, "Tell them for me, please. I can't." Zayn simply nods before letting go of Louis to pull the boys aside to the doorway to tell them. They stay there for a while, long enough for a doctor to come find Louis and tell him that Harry is breathing on his own, but they're still worried about him. He has yet to wake up yet, and there's still a chance that he never will, but if Louis wants to go in and see him he can, but not to have more than two visitors in the room at a time. Louis practically jumps up from his seat and walks over to the boys to tell them the room Harry's in and that they can come in one at a time if they want to. They tell him to go in for now, that they'll visit later.

Once Louis makes it to the room, he's hesitant to open the door, to see Harry like this. Slowly, he turns the door knob and pushes the door open. Harry is laid on the bed with the blanket tucked up under his arms, both wrists wrapped up in layers and layers of gauze. He looks pitiful, an IV attached to his left arm and wires coming out of his shirt attached to a heart monitor. He looks peaceful though, like he's not in pain and that's good, really good, because what drove Harry to do this in the first place was the pain he was going through. Louis walks quietly over to the chair sat next to the bed, like if he made too much noise it would break Harry. The doctor had told Louis that Harry probably wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, definitely not today, maybe not tomorrow, but that didn't matter to Louis, he'd sit here for years if that's how long it took for Harry to wake up. He was sure that the story would get out and their fans would be set into a frenzy, but he couldn't be brought to care about that right now, definitely not when Harry was peacefully breathing next to him, looking so, _so_ breakable.

Louis reached into his pocket and pulled out the note, holding onto one of Harry's hands gently, afraid he'd move him too much and he'd hurt him. He unfolded the paper and took a deep breath, already knowing that he'd be breaking into tears again soon because he was about to read  _Harry's suicide note._

* * *

_Dear Louis,_

_First of all, I want you to know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. This wasn't your fault, and all you've been is helpful and loving and perfect. But you deserve someone who isn't messed up, and that just isn't me. I want to thank you because you made me feel like there was hope of me recovering, like there was a reason to, but sometimes that hope just isn't enough. ~~I love you I love you I love you so much it hurts sometimes.~~ It's really hard writing this right now because it makes this all feel so real and permanent, which I guess it is, but I don't like it. I want it all to end, but I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process, but there's really no way of doing that, is there? I hope you don't find me because you shouldn't go through pain like that. I want you to know that when I'm gone I don't want you to be sad. I want you to find someone and I want you to fall in love with them and have them fall just as in love with you as I have and I want you to live the rest of your life with them happily. I don't want you to think that I'd want you to be alone because I'm gone, you need to go out and experience things that I've held you back on in life. These past few years with you have easily been the happiest years of my life and I owe that completely to you because you're the brightness in my life, even in these past few months which have been exeptionally cloudy. When I was with you it was like the sun was finally coming back out after days and days of cloudy, gloomy weather, and that is such a great feeling. You've taught me so many things, like how it's possible to continue to fall deeper in love even when you think there's no way you can love that person any more. I just need you to know that I love you so much. So much more than I ever thought possible, and that you're such a great person Lou. Don't be sad when I'm gone because I think you look a whole lot prettier when you're happy, and someone as amazing as you shouldn't ever have to be sad. I'm going to keep this short an sweet so that I can get this over with because I'm a mess right now. I love you Lou, never forget that. _

_Dear Niall, Liam, and Zayn ~~and Louis because I can't leave you out~~ ,_

_I don't know how to tell you guys how much I love you. None of what we've become would have become possible without you guys and I just am so thankful for you. But it's about time that I tell you all ~~except for Liam because he's had to deal with me at my worst, and he knows the story~~ why I've been acting so different lately. A few months ago I went to a bar in a pretty shady part of town and long story short, I got raped. His name was Jack and he was awful and he haunted me everytime I closed my eyes. It was really bad for awhile and I was hurting myself, but then Lou found out and he gave me the strength to stop. It started to get better, it really did, but then yesterday, I saw him again. He was outside on our way to the interview, and I could see that he remembered me and it just all went to shit. I sat around before I wrote this, thinking of all the messed up things about me and one of the biggest ways I can think of is how this fame thing has been really unfair for you guys. I don't understand why I got the most attention out of all of you, but I'm sorry and I'm sure that's somehow my fault also. But now I'll be gone and you guys can have the attention you truly deserve because you all are outstanding, way better than I ever was. Please, tell the fans that I really truly love them and I don't want them to be sad at all about me not being here anymore. Tell them that I'm happier where ever the hell I am now than I have been on Earth for a long time. They changed my life majorly while I was here and I can't thank them enough, for bringing me happiness when I needed it.  ~~  
~~_

_Dear Mom, Robin, and Gemma,_

_Please, please don't be sad. I beg you. Ask the Louis what happened to me, he'll tell you the full story and I'm sure that by the time you find out how disgusting I am that all the sadness will just go away. You guys made me have the happiest childhood I think could have ever been possible, so thank you for that. You encouraged me when I didn't have the faith in myself, especially with X Factor, without that, where would I be today? A sad, depressed unfamous boy. That's where, because even without the fame I probably would have let this happen to myself anyway. I'm crying by the way, so I'm sorry if this is making absolutely no sense and it's impossible to read, but it's getting harder and harder by the second to see or even think of what I'm trying to say. I love you guys so so so much, and please, if you're still sad about me being gone, go to Lou. He may be too, but I hope not._

_Goodbye,_

_Harry. xx_


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I obviously suck at deadlines. But I guess you're used to it by now or at least aware of it.

The note hit Louis hard, and it didn't help that he had reread it over and over until the boys came in, and after seeing his state, took it away from him. Louis felt numb, the heartbreaking sadness that had erupted in him ever since he found Harry was still there somewhere, but he was crying to hard to even pay attention to what was happening. The note made it seem real, permanent, just like Harry had said in it. Harry tried to  _kill_ himself. He tried and was nearly successful, could still be successful really, and Louis just didn't know what to do about it. The hour or two after reading the note was a blur of him curling in on himself and just sobbing while the boys tried to calm him down, to no avail. He did calm down enough to get a few words out eventually, stuttering out, "A-Anne, I need to call h-" before Liam stopped him, telling him that he'd already called and that she was on her way already.

The boys were upset too, but they defintely handled it a lot better than Louis was. Louis did eventually cry himself out after a little while, stretching out his legs from where they had been curled up to his chest for God knows how long and reaching for Harry's hand gently. It felt weird to hold hands with Harry and not have him rub his thumb over Louis' hand like he always did. Once they were sure that Louis would be alright to be alone for a few minutes, the boys left to go get food to bring back to the room.

"Harry, please wake up. _Please._ " Louis begged quietly, even though the rational part of his brain knew that Harry couldn't hear him, let alone will himself to wake up. "We need you Harry, everyone does. Your mom's on her way, Liam called her. I had a minor breakdown," Louis chuckled a little, but it was without humor, "A little worse than minor, really. I'm glad you didn't see it." Louis sat like that for a while, leaning over in his chair to hold Harry's hand, or to play with his hair because while it might be meant to comfort Harry, it had begun to be comforting to Louis too, just to do it. 

Zayn, Liam, and Niall came back after a little while, talking about how big of a line there was in the hospital cafeteria. The television was turned on, but mostly ignored. They talked and joked a few times, but the laughs weren't real, they were the laughs of people laughing just so they weren't crying. Louis never left Harry's side, eating with one hand just so that he didn't have to let go of Harry's hand. Louis didn't like the way the hospital lights made Harry look; too pale and sickly. Maybe it wasn't just the lights doing that, but he didn't want to believe that his Harry really was that sickly. 

The room was quiet, even more so when a stunned looking Anne came into the room. Louis did leave Harry's side once to hug her, because even though the boys were obviously hurt also, Anne and Louis were probably the ones that were taking it hardest. It was her son afterall. "He's gonna be alright, Anne. He _has_ to be alright." Louis whispered to Anne, convincing himself just as much as he was trying to convince her.

They sat down, surrounding Harry's bed, quiet until a doctor came in. Louis felt like all air had been sucked out of his lungs while he waited for the doctor to look at Harry's charts and tell them the results. The air didn't really come back to him, even when the doctor, Dr. Larkin, took a deep breath and turned to all of them. "I'm not going to sugar coat it," she started, "Harry's in a very fragile state right now, _but_ as long as he keeps getting better from here and nothing goes wrong, I don't see why he wouldn't be able to make a full recovery." The air came back to him then, filling his lungs and making it feel like he was breathing for the first time since he found Harry. Harry was going to make it, Harry was going to _make it_. A sigh of relief could be heard throughout the room, followed by 'thank you's coming from all of them. The doctor left, telling them she'd be back later to check on Harry again, and that if anything seemed off about him to let a nurse know.

Louis felt the tears running down his face but he didn't make an effort to stop them. These were happy tears. He wasn't going to have to go on and live without Harry. Harry would wake up and Louis wouldn't be left with his last memory of Harry being loaded into an ambulance, bloody, wet, and pale. Sure there were more things to worry about, how the fans would react, the media, rehab for Harry, the future of the band,but those could be saved for later, when Harry was awake and laughing again, for when Harry was Harry again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm lame because i didn't update at all last week i know i know. I was just really busy andi honestly had no inspiration to write. So i'm very sorry for that, but here's this so i hope you don't hate me.

Two days, seven hours, and forty three minutes is how long Louis waited before he heard Harry's voice again. His eyes had barely left the clock the whole time, watching as the minutes turned to hours and the hours turned to days as he waited for Harry to wake up, or move, or just do _something_. The boys came during the day and went home at night, leaving Louis and Anne there all night. Anne had offered many times to stay with Harry so Louis could go home for a bit, but Louis declined because he didn't want to miss anything, even if it was just hours full of sitting there and watching Harry's chest slowly go up and down as he breathed. It was calming to Louis because while Harry might not be conscious, he was alive.

Louis and Anne took turns leaving the hospital to bring back food; both agreeing that one meal from the hospital cafeteria was one too many. It was right after Anne left to run down to the McDonald's just down the road that Louis felt Harry's hand tighten around his. Louis' head snapped away from where he had been staring at the door watching the people in the hallway hurry around, the doors to the rooms opening and closing, thinking that each person had their own story, their own reason for being here, to look at Harry. Slowly, Harry's eyes began to open. Not all the way, but enough that Louis knew he could see him when he gave him a small smile. 

"S'too bright." Harry whispered, and within a heartbeat Louis stood up to turn off the lights in the room for him.

He didn't want to overwhelm Harry with his own emotions so all he did was smile real big and tell him, "I've missed you so much, Harry. I love you  _so_ much, you don't even know how scared I was." Only after he said it did he realize that he was crying, and that he should probably tell the doctors that Harry was awake.  _Harry was awake_ , therefore telling the doctors could wait is what Louis eventually decided on. 

"Don't cry Lou, I'm here now." 

Harry was right, he was here now, but Louis just couldn't stop crying tears of relief. "It's alright, Harry, I'm  _happy."_ He grabbed Harry's hand and pulled it to his face, pressing kisses all over it as his tears eventually began to slow down. "Your mom should be back soon, she just went to go get us some food. Can't eat the hospital food, tastes like shit."

Harry let out a little chuckle and rolled over just a bit to face more towards Louis, "How long has it been since...Since I...?" 

"Two days." Harry nodded and closed his eyes. Louis leaned forward a began to play with his hair, knowing that Harry found it calming. "How do you feel?" 

"Tired. M'head hurts too." 

"I'll go get the nurse, I'm sure she can get you more medicine." Louis said before standing and placing a soft kiss on Harry's head.

The nurse that Louis especially liked was sitting behind a desk just a few feet away from Harry's room, and she seemed excited upon hearing that Harry had woken up. She did a quick check up on Harry, making sure he was stable and then left, promising to return with medicine for his head. Just as she was leaving the room, Anne walked in and nearly dropped the bag she was holding when she saw that Harry was awake.

She gave Louis a shocked look before putting the bag down and rushing over to Harry. Anne gave him a hug, making sure to watch out for the IV connected to him. Louis could see her crying but he didn't blame her, he had felt the same way not even ten minutes ago. Louis heard her mumble "I love you, I love you, I love you."over and over again into Harry's shoulder.

Anne pulled away when they nurse came in with some pain medicine for Harry, telling them that it would make Harry tired and that he needed his rest anyway. 

Harry fell asleep soon after, and Louis made sure to call the boyd and let them know that Harry woke up, he was alive, Harry was _back._  They told him that they'd make sure to get there in a little while. Waiting for Harry to wake up was different this time, less tense, less nervewracking, because they knew that he would wake up, he was supposed to be sleeping because sleeping would make him get better. All Anne and Louis could do while Harry slept was wait. The television was turned on at one point, even if it was nothing more than background noise. They ate their food and the boys eventually showed up, having come through the back entrance to avoid the fans and paparazzi. 

They had all done their best to avoid seeing anything about Harry or them as a band on television and twitter, but they knew, even without having seen it, that people were suspicious. None of them had been on twitter since it happened and pictures of them arriving at the hospital were bound to have been released, so the fans had to be worried by this point. They had yet to decide what they were going to tell the fans, and honestly, it was all up to Harry. None of them would tell the fans anything that Harry wasn't completely alright with. 

They had succeeded in avoiding it until later that night while they were all sitting around Harry's bed while Harry continued to sleep. For once they actually were paying attention to the television, watching some news station when all of a sudden they heard their names announced on the show. Hearing their names wasn't something new of course, but usually they weren't talked about on the news. Next thing they knew, they had all shifted their attention completely the show as the show began to discuss the worry around why One Direction had been spending so much time visiting the hospital in the past few days. Pictures were shown of Zayn, Liam, and Niall entering and leaving the hospital, but never Harry and rarely Louis. People had begun to speculate that it was either Harry or Louis in the hospital, little did they know how close to the truth they actually were. Anne eventually turned off the television after seeing the worry on their faces. Louis was thankful though because he definitely didn't need to see anymore. He turned his attention back to Harry, where it needed to be. 


	18. Please Read

This isn't a chapter so I'm really sorry because I know it's been an unacceptable amount of time since I last updated but I have good reason. So for about a week of me not updating I had no power, which in turn means no internet. The power eventually came back but in some tragic accident which I have no clue how it happened, my laptop got some really bad water damage and it won't even turn on right now and it's so hard to write on my phone. So one of two things could happened. The best senerio is the first one, my laptop gets fixed really soon and I'll write as soon as I get it back. Or the awful second senerio is that my laptop is either done for good or it takes a long time to get fixed, then I'll give in and write it on my phone. Again I'm soooooo sorry for not updating and I thank those of you who have stuck around. If my laptop isn't back by like this Friday (2/21) then I'll write on my phone. I promise I'll have a chapter up by then.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so much harder writing this on my phone than I expected it to be so I'm sorry that I missed my own deadline. My computer still isn't working and I'm very upset about that. Anyyywaaayy. I hope you enjoy :)

Even with the television turned off, the knowledge that the fans were suspicious couldn't be pushed too far back in their minds. Not far enough to forget at least. Harry remained sleeping for the majority of the day, waking up periodically and staying up for a little while before he became exhausted again, which made it hard to take their minds away from what they had seen on the news. Word had apparently gotten to their management too, as they all received the same message telling them that the situation at hand needed to be addressed as soon as possible. They hadn't been told what they needed to say, whether they should lie or not, so they chose to leave it to Harry.

In a perfect world they wouldn't need to burden Harry with coming up with a statement while he was still in the hospital, but this wasn't a perfect world, and a member of the biggest boy band at the moment was laid up in a hospital bed after a failed suicide attempt. So it was decided that when Harry woke up next that they'd speak to him about it.

By the next time Harry woke up the boys had all received multiple messages telling them that if they didn't have a statement out by the end of the day, there'd be hell to face, basically.

Louis was the one who brought it up to Harry, interrupting them from a discussion of how awful the hospital's food was. "Harry, babe, we need to talk about something."

Harry nodded, his smile not apparent like it had been only seconds ago while he was talking to the boys. "Shoot."

"We need to make a - The fans know you're here and we need to make a statement as to why." Louis said quietly, watching as a look of understanding washed over Harry's face. "We don't have to tell the truth if you're not comfortable with that, and we'd all be fine with just telling them you've come down with a bad case of the flu, but we just wanted to know what you wanted us to tell them."

Harry nodded and didn't say anything for a moment, thinking over what he wanted the statement to say. Telling them that he just had the flu or something along those lines would be the easiest way to go, but if sometime, later on, he decided to actually come out with the truth, then everyone would know he had lied. If the fans knew he had lied about that, would they wonder what else he could have lied about? He couldn't lie to the fans, not after they've stuck by him for so long and changed his life so extremely. He couldn't lie to them and he wouldn't. "No. Tell them the truth, they deserve to know. Show them the part in the note for them, too." He knew that there'd be major backlash, but after he left this hospital he doubted he'd be allowed to control his actions for a while. Whether the people around him would choose for him to simply go to therapy, or send him off to a rehab was a mystery to him, but the fans would eventually find out one way or another. If they were going to find out in the end, Harry would rather they hear it from him. There was too much going through his head, worries of what would happen to him, the band, his relationship, and as he closed his eyes he couldn't help but miss the silent darkness that he had been in for two days. There he didn't feel any of the sadness that hadn't gone away, there were no nagging worries reminding him that what he had done was stupid, cowardly, and he was such a failure that he couldn't even succeed in the one thing he thought would solve everything. Eventually, thanks to the medicine he had been loaded up on, be drifted to an uneasy sleep, while the boys quietly came up with their statement.

It was only after Zayn quietly asked, "What note is he talking about?" that Louis realized that he had been so preoccupied in his own thoughts for the past few days that he hadn't shown Harry's suicide - it still didn't feel right calling it that, the word leaving a sour taste in his mouth even if he didn't say it out loud -note to anyone, not even Harry's own _mother_.

He quickly got the note out of his pocket, where he had kept it since he found it, and reluctantly handed it over to Anne, knowing that when she read it all the pain she had pushed back into her mind would be brought forward again. He watched as sadness washed over her face, tears slowly falling from her eyes as she read over the note. When she was done, she handed it on to Niall, who handed it on to Liam, and then to Zayn. It was all the same, all of them left sitting there crying over a note that wasn't even necessary now. Louis took the note from Zayn and stuffed it back into his pocket before saying, "I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry I didn't show you earlier. There was just so much going on and I didn't even think about it after I had read it myself." They all told him it was fine - which no, it wasn't but he understood why they were saying it, because what could they do about a situation in the past - and they moved on. Anne stood up and wiped her eyes, going to hug each of the boys, an especially long hug for Louis, after telling them that she had to go pick Gemma up at the train station, today being the first day she had the opportunity to come see Harry. Her leaving made them feel better about coming up with a statement, not needing her to hear the details she already knew all over again.

It took some talking, weighing in what they should ultimately put out, but they went for what Harry wanted, the complete truth.

 

* * *

 

_In response to the questions going around about us we like to inform you that Harry has been in the hospital for the past few days. We'd like to say it was nothing serious, but that's the reason why we're personally writing this. You should hear this from us, not in a short, manufactured statement. Three days ago Harry tried to commit suicide. It's something that us, his band mates, should have seen coming, but sadly we didn't. A few months ago Harry went out on his own, without any security, at night to a pretty dodgy part of town and was raped. He's been so strong for these past few months, but on the inside he was slowly wasting away, silently suffering. He began cutting himself and I, Louis, tried my hardest to help him through it. For awhile he really did seem better, but when I came home and found him in the bathtub, the water turned a rusty red, I knew that must have been an act._

_None of us knew whether he'd wake up, but thankfully he woke up today. It's been an extremely hard time on all of us, and we know that you've been worried about him for some time, too. He's seen, trust us, and he really does love you guys. As of now whatever happens to us from here on out is up to Harry. What he needs right now is a lot of love and support, and definitely a lot of rest, and if you guys want to help in his recovery process then feel free to tweet him all of the kindest things you can think of. We'll make sure to show him, since we probably won't be letting him be on twitter much, if at all in the near future. He's been sleeping on and off all day, but if we thought he was well enough to help in writing this he'd be sure to have a part in it. His wishes were for us to be honest with you about everything that has happened. Part of us being honest is showing you what he wanted us to show you of his note. Even in probably one of the worst moments of his life he was thinking about you guys and we as a band think that's a pretty amazing thing to come out of this incredibly shitty situation._

_In his note Harry said, "Please, tell the fans that I really truly love them and I don't want them to be sad at all about me not being here anymore. Tell them that I'm happier where ever the hell I am now than I have been on Earth for a long time. They changed my life majorly while I was here and I can't thank them enough, for bringing me happiness when I needed it."_

_We're sorry for being completely missing for these past few days, and we sincerely hope that you understand why we needed to be. We hope that in a few months when the tour starts that we will be able to continue with it, but we can not confirm that at this time. We're going to take this situation one day at a time, hopefully with you all by our sides. All we can hope is that Harry will be fine and that he wishes to continue with the band. Now that all of this is out in the open we'll most definitely keep you updated as to how Harry's recovery is coming along._

_With all the love in the world, Louis, Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Harry._

 

* * *

 

The statement was posted as a twitlonger and sent out to the major newspapers and magazines so that the fans would get their explanations for all of their questions. Harry woke up shortly after they finished, and Anne arrived back with Gemma a few minutes later. Harry looked as ecstatic as he could be after what he's been through when he saw her. Gemma immediately burst into tears upon seeing her brother, making Louis feel a pang of sadness in his stomach. For all the time he and Harry had been together he'd never seen Gemma cry. Not once, not even during their visit to Harry's house over one of their Christmas breaks when they watched Marley and Me. Everyone in the room had been reduced to tears, even Robin, while Gemma sat there, straight faced as ever.

It only made Louis _that_ much more thankful that Harry was alive, sliding his chair over closer to Harry's bed and leaning over to kiss the top of his head. Harry wasn't back completely but hopefully he would be. The cuts on his arms would heal, the IV's would come out of his skin, but the most important part to Louis was that Harry's mental state would heal. If Harry was still in such pain inside, the healing on the outside didn't matter at all then, did it?


	20. Not a chapter I'm so sorry

I'm so so so sorry for not updating but the only way I have to update is on my phone and that broke like two weeks ago which is so sucky but I got a new one now so I'll try my absolute hardest to have one up by tonight or tomorrow. Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so extremely sorry that this took me so so so long to actually write but I've been super busy and to top it all off my phone broke. I had two projects due in the same week and of course I waited until the night before to do them so I had absolutely no time and I honestly I had no inspiration to write at all so I apologize but I think it's probably better that I've waited because if I hadn't, this would have been shittier than it already is. I finally got the time to write this at a very boring convention for my friend so here you go and I hope you enjoy and don't hate me. I'll try my absolute hardest to have the next chapter up by next Sunday or Monday but if I don't please don't kill me.

As it got later everyone left, leaving Louis there with a now sleeping Harry. He'd been awake for a while today while Gemma was there, so Louis wouldn't be surprised if he slept the rest of the night. He turned off the lights in the room and settled down on one of the chairs, propping his feet up onto Harry's bed.

With Harry sleeping, Louis didn't have much else to do beside turn his attention to the tv. News of what Harry had done was everywhere Louis looked. The backlash wasn't that bad from what Louis had seen which was good, it was _definitely_ good. Louis' phone was sitting on the table next to Harry's bed and Louis was torn on whether or not he wanted to check and see what fans were saying. He was positive that there'd be hate, but seeing it would be way worse than just acknowledging that there was some.

In the end, Louis did lean over and grab his phone because his curiosity outweighed his rational thinking. Twitter looked like a war zone, Harry's name in four of the top trends, people tweeting to all of the boys asking about Harry's current state, tweets to Harry attempting to comfort him. None of that came as a shock to him, he had expected all of that. It was the tweets that were talking about Harry and Louis' relationship that startled Louis. They hadn't thought about that really, they had just written what Harry told them to, the truth. If people chose to believe that they were in a relationship, it didn't bother Louis as long as Harry was alright with it, because Harry always came first.

Louis locked his phone and placed it back on the table, closing his eyes and settling in to go to sleep. He'd talk to Harry about it tomorrow and they'd figure everything out from there.

Harry slept through the night and when Louis woke up the next morning, Harry was awake, already eating his breakfast. "Good morning babe,"

"Good morning," Louis smiled. Today was going to be a good day, he hoped. Harry was still stuck in the hospital at least until tomorrow, due to being on suicide watch, so today could only be as good as a day in the hospital could be. If Harry showed no signs of wanting to hurt himself or anything along those lines then he was free to go, if he did, there were options, but rehab was the most prominent one. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good, good." 

Harry reached for the remote to turn on the television, but Louis stopped him before he could turn it on. "You're major news right now," Louis chuckled, but it was true, "You're sure you're okay to watch?"

Harry nodded and turned on the television, the channel not talking about Harry, thankfully.

"I don't mean to turn all serious on you, H," Louis started, moving to lean on Harry's bed, "But we need to talk."

Harry looked wary but nodded, muting the television to hear Louis.

"People are asking questions about us, and honestly it doesn't bother me, but I just want you to know," Harry opened his mouth to speak but Louis talked again before he could, "We don't _have_ to say anything if you don't want, but if you decide you want to make another statement about it, either way, I'll be with you."

"Let's do it," Harry smiled, "Let's tell them. Please."

Louis was taken aback that Harry responded so quickly, but he wasn't disappointed. "No need to say please," Louis laughed, "We'll have to figure everything out with everyone but I'm sure we can work everything out."

"I feel like it would make it easier on me, y'know? You make me feel safe and if I can be with you all the time, in public, it might make me feel better about this whole...thing that's happened." Harry's head stayed down as he said it, his hands wringing together like he was uncomfortable saying it.

Louis reached over and gently pulled his chin up, so he was looking at him, "Hey, Harry, listen. That's okay, really. Wonderful even that I can make you feel safe." Once he saw a bit of a smile show on Harry's face he whispered, "Watch out or I might get a bit of an ego."

Harry laughed at that, loud and carefree, and he didn't bother to stop it. Louis giggled a bit because seeing this side of Harry made him extremely happy because it had been so long since he'd seen it before.

Later he'd call the boys and their management, but for now he planned to sit with Harry and make sure he stayed as happy as he possibly could be in the situation he was in.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm shit at updating I'm literally so so SO sorry that I haven't updated in like, what, ten years???? It's no excuse but it's been a really rough time for my family and I, not to mention my laptop is offically never turning back on. I haven't had much happy stuff going on and writing this just wasn't happening. I don't know if anyone is even still here to read this but I truly am sorry and I'll try my best to stop being stupid and update.

 

* * *

Harry didn't stay awake for much longer, half an hour at the most, and when he dozed off Louis was tempted to fall asleep with him, but he didn't because he knew he had things to do. Calling their management was definitely at the top of the list, above the boys even, only because he knew they'd be fine with whatever Harry and Louis chose to do, they'd talked about this from the very beginning. Louis wouldn't admit it to Harry, but he was scared, especially for Harry. They weren't living in some fantasy world, and he wasn't about to pretend they were. He knew there'd be hate, he knew there'd be a loss of fans, he knew all of this. The only thing he didn't know was how it would affect Harry. 

He figured that he might as well make the calls while Harry was still sleeping, that way once he woke up he could spend all his time with him. Dialing the number he'd only ever seen on his phone when being called by it, Louis stood up and left Harry's bed to go into the bathroom connected to his room, as not to wake Harry. 

After explaining to the secretary who answered who he was and why he was calling, Louis was put through to talk to Simon. He tried to sit on the counter while it rang, but he got too restless. 

Deciding to stand up and pace, Louis took a deep breath as he heard Simon pick up. 

"Hello, what can I help you with Louis?" Simon answered in what could only be called a sympathetic voice. 

"Hi Simon, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something pretty important. If you don't have time-" Louis was cut off but Simon interrupting him.

"I most definitely have time," Simon said happily, "Lay it on me."

This was big, life changing big, so forgive Louis if he stumbled over his words a bit before finally getting out, "We - Harry and I - both think it would be best for him if we were to come out. As in together. Like a couple." 

Louis was fully prepared to get down on his knees and beg Simon, list all the reasons why this was one hundred percent, completely necessary, but it wasn't needed as Simon almost immediately answered with a bright and cheery, "Absolutely, of course. We've already discussed it here but we wanted to have it be on you guys. In my opinion I think your best course of action would be to do it on twitter; your last annoucement on there was definitely well recieved."

Louis felt like he couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything besides stand there with a smile large enough to split his face in two. This was something both of them had talked about for so long and it was finally going to happen. Without them even having to put up a fight, too. Sure the circumstances in which it was happening weren't ideal, far from it, but it was happening. He said a quick, but genuine thank you to Simon and ended the call, heading back into the room to find Harry, surprisingly, awake. 

Harry smiled at him, either having heard the conversation or just by judging Louis' reaction, he knew it had to be good news. 

"I just called Simon and," Louis said as he moved to sit on the side of Harry's bed, "he was completely fine with us doing it. However we want." 

The look on Harry's face was one that Louis would never forget. A very genuine smile took over his face, which was a beautiful sight considering where they were. 

"Can we just do it now?" Harry asked, sounding a way that could only be described as giddy. "Just say something on twitter, I think it would probably be the quickest and easiest way."

Louis agreed, which is why he pulled his phone out and opened twitter. It was only after he began typing that he realized that this was something that shouldn't, and probably couldn't, be said in 140 characters. 

"I actually think it would be best if I wrote it out, y'know? It would be more personal and it would be able to say all things we need it to say - If that's alright with you, of course." Harry agreed with him, but admitted that he was feeling a bit tired, having only woke up because he heard Louis talking. 

"Go to sleep, I'll take care of it." Louis stood up to look around for a piece of paper, kissing Harry on the forehead and whispering "I love you" beforehand. 

He eventually found a piece of paper and a pen and sat in the chair next to Harry's bed to write.

* * *

 

_Hi guys! This is a much, MUCH more upbeat statement than the last one you heard. Before I start though, I want to make it clear why this is being said now, and why it's more important, now more than ever, that you guys hear me out and read this entire letter before making any conclusions._

_To put it simply, I wrote this to tell you all that, as many of you were asking about, yes, Harry and I are together. I don't want any of you to feel as if you have been lied to, because its not like that. We have always wanted it to be out in the open, but there's always been other factors that played into us not being totally honest with you guys. A major part is that we have to think about three other people's careers that will have repercussions from this. Not that I think it's okay that something as minor as us being together could majorly impact our sales, but it happens and most likely will happen after this is released. We knew from the start that this wouldn't be ideal for any of us, but the boys were always adamant that we could come out if we wished to._ _Harry had mentioned earlier that he really thought it would help him feel better, safer, if he was allowed to act how he would at home with me._

_We really hope you understand why things had to be this way, and we also hope that this will not make us lose you as fans. Saying that we hope we don't lose any fans is unrealistic, but we just hope you realize that we're still the same guys you've known before, you just know a bit more about us. As for the technicalities i'm not sure how much Harry is comfortable with me sharing, so I don't know how in to depth I can go with you guys. Harry and I have been together since basically the very beginning and throughout this all I have been at his side. I wish I could have seen the signs, maybe I did and just ignored them because he was Harry and Harry would always be around._

_As for his condition he's doing extremely well and if all goes as planned he should be home tomorrow. The fine details of it all haven't really been discussed, but we don't think that rehab is the answer for Harry. He needs to be around his family and friends, he needs to be able to get used to going outside and walking around without worrying something bad is going to happen to him, he needs to be able to readjust to life.  Rehab wouldn't allow him to do that, and it certainly wouldn't allow him to keep in touch with you guys, which is something I know will help him along._

_When Harry is released from here it doesn't mean he's instantly better, and I have to remind myself of that too, but I need you guys to understand that. Once he feels comfortable enough to go around and walk, I want you guys to be careful with him. Give him space when he's walking near you. Don't scream and yell at him. Don't touch him unless okay'd by him. And most certainly don't bring up what has happened. If he ever feels ready to talk about it to the world, he'll do it, but he doesn't need to have people asking invasive questions that could cause more harm than you'd probably think. Most of you wouldn't ever dream of doing that, but paparazzi definitely would and I hope they get the memo that I will not allow that to happen._

_That turned sort of stern on you guys and I promised this would be happy so let me get back to that. If all goes well, we hope Harry will be up to touring and simply continuing to be in the band in a few months when our tour starts. If not, we completely understand, but knowing Harry, that's really unlikely. He's been smiling more, which doesn't mean he's better but it's a major improvement from how he's been. I think that having his family and friends' undivided attention has helped too, because while he'd never admit it, he loves to be the center of attention. He's taking a nap now, which is good because he needs the rest._

_I truly hope this is legible because Harry's always told me that he knows 5 year olds that write neater than me. This had to be done this way because it would have been way too impersonal if I had just said it on twitter._

_Thank you for all the love and support you've given Harry, I'll be sure to show some more to him next time he's awake. It really means a lot to not only him, but all of us that you guys show so much love and affection to someone so near and dear to us._

_With lots and lots of love,_

_Louis._

* * *

When Louis finished, he took pictures of the letter on his phone and posted them on twitter. He crawled into bed with Harry when he was done because any other responsibilities he had could wait, really.  


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so so sorry for abandoning it but it was partly due to a short time i abandoned it and when i came back i really didn't think anyone still read it, so thanks to anyone who proved me wrong. to anyone reading this and my other one, i promise i'll update the other one soon too!! I'm really sorry for how short the old chapters are, like I was reading them again and I just?????? I really was writing this but then zayn did the thing and it kind of stalled me. i'm going to have to find a happy medium of when I update this one and when I update my other one because last time that just resulted in me abandoning both. this really isn't the length that I want in a chapter, but I just wanted to get this out for you & I didn't feel like this should be anything other than a filler chapter.

The best way to describe being out was a relief. Harry had been through so much in the past few months, and it was just so nice to know that if he needed Louis, he was there, no matter where they were. He woke up a little later, to Louis scrolling through his phone next to him in bed. As soon as he noticed Harry was awake, Louis put the phone down and turned his attention to him, "Hey babe, how are you feeling?" 

Harry smiled, leaning into Louis' hands that were petting his head, "Alright. How's everyone reacting?" 

Louis shrugged, picking his phone up and unlocking it, "I wouldn't know. Don't really want to look so I've been playing games," Harry laughed as Louis showed him that he had beaten his high score on Bejeweled, "The way I see it is, we'll have to face it eventually and until then, I'd rather not."

"Either way, we'll be alright though, right?" Harry asked, because even though he was almost positive Louis' answer would be of course, he still had it in him to worry. Meeting and falling in love with Louis was easily the best thing to ever happen to him, and after all that had happened, Harry didn't know what he would do if Louis left him - well he did, but he knew he shouldn't be thinking of turning to that again. 

"Of course, Haz," Louis assured, bringing one of Harry's bandaged hands up to his mouth gently, to kiss it, "Of course. Don't even think about that, you're my whole world."

The reassurance helped to quiet the persistent voice in the back of Harry's head that insisted he wasn't good enough for Louis, insisted that Louis deserved someone better than him. "Do you know if they're still serving dinner?" Harry asked, hoping to change the subject.

Louis placed his arm back down on to his stomach before he got up to grab the little hospital menu Harry was given, "It says here that they are," He handed Harry the menu and got back in the bed with him, "I'm glad you're hungry, it'll help to show them you're ready to leave."

Harry hummed in agreement, but in all honesty, he was scared of what would happen to him once he was let out of the hospital. Louis and the boys had yet to talk to him about it, let alone his mum, so he had no clue if they were all going to try to force him into rehab. Rehab didn't seem like the best option to Harry, but he didn't know what would happen if he was allowed to go straight home, either. Harry wasn't stupid, he didn't think that as soon as he was allowed to go home all of the feelings would disappear. That was what he was most afraid of. The thoughts were still there and he wasn't sure he would know how to control them if it got as bad as it did before. He snapped himself out of his thoughts to look back at the menu, "I think I'll get some chicken and rice,"

Louis nodded and reached for the menu and the phone by Harry's bed. Harry zoned out while Louis ordered for them. He reached over to grab Louis' phone, hoping to get the chance to see what people were saying in reaction to their coming out. He only got the chance to open the app and wait for it to load before Louis turned his attention back to him and snatched the phone back. "No Haz, we're not looking at it for now." Harry frowned and Louis moved to face him, "I'm doing it to protect you babe, and me. We're going through a rough time right now and the last thing you need to see is someone saying something rude online. I promise you can look eventually, but I'm not even looking right now. All that matters is me and you; we're not worrying about them for a while." Harry nodded and leaned his head on Louis' shoulder to wait for their dinners to arrive. 

Dinner went as good as it could go for hospital food, and Harry called his mum to stay goodnight, before they went to bed. Tomorrow would be a new day, Harry would be leaving the hospital, and he allowed himself to stop worrying about anything in favor of concentrating on Louis' arms around him.

*****

Louis woke up before Harry, staying in bed for a little while before choosing to get up and pack for Harry. By the time Harry woke up, his doctor has already been in with instructions on how to take care of Harry once they got home, and all of the paperwork to check him out is already signed by Louis. His eyes cracked open slowly, the light coming in from outside brighter than he's used to in their bedroom at home. "Morning," Harry rasped.

"Morning, love," Louis greeted, looking away from the television to look at Harry, "Whenever you're ready, we can go home."

Harry nodded and smiled from his position with his head burrowed in Louis' shoulder, "What happens then?" He asks, "Like when I go home, are you guys going to try to get me to go to rehab?"

"Of course not," Louis assured, "Unless that's what you feel would help you best." After seeing Harry shake his head no, Louis continued, "I was thinking therapy or something along the lines of that, but ultimately, it's up to you."

Harry nodded, "I think that's what I'd like," he moved from his spot, standing up to crack his back, "I'd really like to go home if that's okay," 

Louis chuckled and stood up, walking over to pull Harry into a hug. He took a deep breath, rubbing a soothing hand over Harry's back before he let him go. "Alright, let's go then.

After he filled out the paper work he needed for being released, Harry was on his way. He couldn't explain the anxious feeling he felt, because there was really nothing to be afraid of but himself. He and Louis were followed to the car by a nurse, one of Harry's favorites. She wished him luck and said that she was glad he was leaving, but Harry wasn't sure he could do the same. The whole time he had been in the hospital he could avoid reality. He could pretend that the entire world wasn't aware of his darkest secret, but once he was out in the real world that wouldn't be possible anymore. There would be nosy reporters and interviewers, fans who meant well but asked questions that shouldn't be asked, magazines that wrote articles that shouldn't be written.

Louis must have noticed that Harry zoned out a bit because he reached over and grabbed his hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it. "Are you alright, H?" 

Harry nodded and leaned his head back against the back of the seat. He  _was_ alright, but he wasn't sure how long he could be. Reality was setting in that he was going home where he could be tempted to cut. He would be back out in the open, performing and doing interviews that the man who raped him could watch. Without the shelter of the hospital, the man could find him again and that alone was enough to make Harry grip Louis' hand just a little bit tighter. 

Harry scooted over and leaned his head on Louis' shoulder, thankful that having a driver meant they could sit in the back seat. "M'scared." Harry murmured into Louis' shoulder.

Louis brought a hand up to rub Harry's side, kissing the top of his head, "It'll be alright, love, I promise." 

Had it come from anyone else, Harry probably wouldn't have believed it, but this was Louis. Louis could say just about anything and Harry would believe it. It would take a lot of work, and it wouldn't be easy, but Harry believed that it would be okay. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please give me feedback if you enjoyed!  
> 


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